every word is true. i swear it.
i probably never told y'all about this date i had in college.
i was working in the computer lab, which i did for about three years, keeping an eye on the machines, making sure the printers didn't go haywire, swapping tapes for backups, and venting my natural sadism upon first-year statistics students. ("sorry, closing time." "...but the project's due tomorrow!" "and yet...strangely...it's still closing time.")
every three years miami had what they called charter day ball — basically an excuse for people to get dolled up in formal clothing, drink themselves into a stupor, and attempt to waltz. they even had waltzing classes beforehand. (in keeping with my general college practice, i skipped class and figured i'd fake it.)
this one guy named eric, who'd spent countless hours in the computer lab, sent me e-mail asking me to the ball. i hadn't ever spoken to him — i suppose he'd seen me working behind the desk and was taken with my charming manner. either he was awfully hard up or he liked his women crabby.
at the of his e-mail, he signed his name, "eric (bloodaxe)."
that's right. i went to the ball with a guy who liked to be called bloodaxe.
he was about five feet tall and four feet wide, with long, straggly hair, a mangy-looking beard and mustache, and aviator glasses. but he was also a very nice, gentle-seeming fellow, and i saw no reason not to go with him. so i went to the thrift store downtown, bought a smashing black beaded cocktail dress, and waited for prince charming to whisk me away.
where i got whisked was to the local chinese restaurant. (in oxford, ohio there was only one, and it was about as good as you'd expect a chinese restaurant in oxford, ohio to be.) this restaurant served no liquor, but bloodaxe, suave devil, offered me a swig of grog from his army surplus canteen. mm, no, thanks.
then, on to the ball! our efforts to waltz were frankly ridiculous, as he was about two heads shorter than i was and trying very hard not to stare at my bosom. we contented ourselves with sitting at a table and making desultory conversation. ("so do you play dungeons and dragons at all?" "no. god, no.")
he said he had a surprise for me, so we finally bagged it and went back to his dorm. (i politely pretended to be impressed by the several medieval-looking swords he had proudly displayed.)
it had begun to snow, though, so his surprise was ruined: we would not be taking his fur throw (!) out into the woods (!!) with candles (!!!) and tape-recorded music (!!!!) so he could regale me with the haiku he'd written especially for me (!!!!!).
i wish i were making this up.
"would you like to hear my haiku anyway?" he asked forlornly.
if ever there existed a cue to exit, that was it. i fled, practically breaking my ankles in my high heels, desperate to get away. haiku, for god's sake. haiku.
i never saw him again. (i think he was too embarrassed afterward to use the computer lab.) i hadn't thought of him in years, but this news story reminded me of him.
all hail bloodaxe!
Comments
I think I worked with that guy at Intergraph...
Posted by: paul^2 | June 30, 2003 03:51 PM
no wonder you didn't like miami!I don't blame you.
Posted by: yr maw | June 30, 2003 06:31 PM
my xanth power is being able to summon elves who can sew buttons on things. what's yours?
Posted by: harold | June 30, 2003 10:15 PM
i can sew buttons on all by myself. i am that mighty.
Posted by: julie | June 30, 2003 10:47 PM
I somehow feel that the only thing missing from that story is a reference to a gelatinous cube.
Posted by: Molly | July 1, 2003 01:08 AM
I've decided to change my internet nom de plume, in his honor. I went looking for a photo of Eric (Bloodaxe) on the internet, the better to taunt you with, my dear, but came up empty-handed. I did, however, find a photo that some freak insisted was taken by the Vikings with a pinhole camera sometime in the 10th Century.
Posted by: terry (bloodaxe) | July 1, 2003 02:02 PM
the other thing about bloodaxe is that the stuff he printed out was always, yes, norse- or viking-related. (there was one giant printer behind the desk, and it was my job to sort the printouts. yes, i read them. wouldn't you? there was this other mild-mannered guy, very quiet, named alistair, who printed out the raunchiest porn i've ever seen, before or since.)
Posted by: julie | July 1, 2003 03:20 PM