everything i need to know
it's betty's birthday today. i will treat you to a sampling of the knowledge i have acquired through her patient tutelage.
never buy a two-door car.
if the car plunges off a bridge and into the mississippi river, first check to see which bank is closer. then grab aunt betty's purse. i learned this before i learned how to spell my last name.
do not eat chicken salad you have not made yourself. it will always contain the bite you wish you'd never tasted.
vodka should be stored in the freezer. it makes it kind of thick and syrupy.
check to see whether the fries are hot before you leave the drive-thru window. at the ordering speaker you will ask, "are the fries hot?" the disembodied voice will say, "everything's hot!" but sure as i'm alive, the fries will not be hot, and you will save yourself another trip around if you verify that immediately.
i swear it, da ali g. show really is funny. reSPEC'.
Happy birthday! I hope there was cake involved.