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February 28, 2003

no matter how politely it knocks

here's a different spin on some of the icons used at the department of homeland security's terrorism readiness site. some highlights, if you will:


in the event of a terrorist attack, best buy will unveil its TERRORIFIC SUPER SALE!
if you think about chemicals long enough, they'll appear. don't think about chemicals.
12:15, 12:20, 12:25. all good times to think about your wasted materialistic life before you die.
walk blindly into a midget's home.
your phone may be a licensed physician.
you will be bombed at 5:12 today. just saying.
consider moving to one of the solar system's outer planets.
do not open the door for radiation, no matter how politely it knocks.
deny the satanic mutterings of the window.
in the event of an emergency your filing cabinets will become intimidating. do not file or organize for they are tall and angry.

chicago

paul and i saw chicago last night. boy, is that catherine zeta-jones gorgeous. i'm fairly sure i look a lot like her. you just need to remember that every time you look at me, the camera adds twenty pounds.

February 27, 2003

the view from my desk chair

lunch-on-lap.jpg

nice pants, mr. president. too bad they're on fire...

i figured it out!

i finally came up with the one unimpeachable reason that i oppose war with iraq. now, i am not a pundit of any stripe. i am not as well informed as some, and i'm not as riled up, one way or another, as most. i'm not even as hard-core liberal as you (paul robichaux, this means you) might think. so it took me some time trying to see the other side, trying to overcome the shadings of the so-called liberal media, to get down to brass tacks with my gut resistance. and its tasty little kernel is this:

you can't trust this administration to tell the truth about anything.

ari fleischer lies so extravagantly that i'm surprised whatever god may be doesn't set his hair on fire. donald rumsfeld lies and chuckles good-naturedly as he does it. the entire lot of them: liars, damned liars. i don't believe them about what bush eats for lunch. how can i believe them when lives are at stake?

don't get me wrong. i'm well aware that politicians lie. it's a job requirement. and i'm well aware that there are certain issues pertaining to national security that should be concealed. you don't have to tell me everything (though i gotta tell you, boy george, it looks a little shady when you start slamming doors before anyone's even knocked on 'em). all i ask, if you want my support, is that you not be quite so obvious, quite so brazen in your falsehoods. you work for me, so how about not fudging your timecard?

i don't want to rant. (no, really.) but the question that keeps poking the back of my brain with hot little needles is this: if i couldn't believe you about little things, why should i believe you about the big ones?

February 26, 2003

chillin'

good frozen god almighty, it was -16.6 at wakeup today.

betty, play your cards right and you may get some mid-march snow here after all.

February 25, 2003

"why don't i slip out and get into something more spectacular?"

it is entirely likely that our upcoming trip to las vegas will include a second visit to
the liberace museum. on our last trip, the costume gallery was closed for renovation -- now why else would you even go, if not to see the costumes?

i have instructed paul to pack his most impressive finery in honor of the late lamented lee. (hey, it's plaid.)

February 22, 2003

take two and...huh? where am i?

in a conversation today about sunday's procedure:

doctor: well, i'll see you on sunday, then.

julie: i plan to be so far out of it i won't even recognize you.

doctor: oh, you are gonna love these drugs! you're gonna be so far out of it, you won't believe it.

i like a medical professional with a little enthusiasm.

February 21, 2003

spacker

nobody told me that the worst side effect from all my medication would be that i would lose my mind.

the drugs really should come with a warning label: while using this drug, patients should not operate heavy machinery. or shower.

not only have i taken the car up two one-way streets, jumped the curb at least twice, burned myself on the iron, nicked my hands with a chef's knife, grated my thumb into a pile of parmesan cheese, and set off the smoke alarm so often it sounds like we're at defcon 2, i have apparently also forgotten how to use toiletries.

this morning in the shower, i shampooed my hair as usual, rinsed it, and picked up the conditioner...which i then dispensed into my hand and proceeded to rub all over my body. i couldn't figure out why it wouldn't lather.

five minutes later, i applied hair product to my face, for that bouncy, manageable look that turns heads on the street.

and i can't be sure, but i have the strong aroma suspicion that i applied deodorant only to one (1) armpit.

i am the energizer bunny of spacking. i just keep going...and going...and going...

February 20, 2003

shanghai knights

worth the ticket price for jackie chan's singin' in the rain bit alone. worth twice that for owen wilson's evil orphan spiel. i might have enjoyed it even more if i'd been a thirteen-year-old boy, but i kind of doubt it.

aunt betty on lord of the rings: the two towers

aunt betty writes:

If you need to go see a movie that you will have no understanding of, go to Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers.

Vivian and I went to see it this afternoon, as she had seen everything else I wanted to see, and she wanted to see something called How to Lose Your Lover in Ten Days, or something like that, so we thought since The Lord of the Rings was up for best picture, we should see it.

Well, think again.

Not only is it about Hobbits, that I have no idea about, not having read the books, but it is also Part II. We had no idea about anything or anyone, there was quite a bit of war stuff between some dog/otter things and another group, and some trees carried 2 Hobbits around with the tree and boys all talking. Amazing.

Now here's the funny part. I'll probably have to go the Part III to see how it all turns out.


last night's west wing

if paul ever dumps me i'm going to washington to stalk will bailey.

February 19, 2003

what i learned on tv last night

i learned that lemurs have a long second claw on their hind feet that they use for grooming.

this specialized toe is called the toilet claw.

i didn't say i was glad i learned it.

a superhero for the rest of us

so once i was visiting rich in philadelphia. he'd recently bought a car and wasn't entirely used to driving again. (it had a device on the steering wheel that allowed him to drive using one arm.) he was also talking a mile a minute, and probably looking in eleven different directions at once, possibly also gesticulating wildly. as we approached a crosswalk, he didn't see the woman who was crossing at the time, and almost hit her.

how he managed not to see her, i'm sure i don't know. she was a massive black woman, and she wasn't moving fast. but most notable was her attire. she was wearing a spandex catsuit, particolored -- red on the right, bright blue on the left.

rich slammed on the brakes, then turned to me in disbelief and gasped, "did you see that? i almost hit superman!"

found object: dust off that resumé

afghan-ad.jpg

there's a party in my pelvis

going to the doctor again this morning to have my follicles counted, measured, roped, branded, and herded to market...or something like that. paul calls it

follipalooza

February 18, 2003

signs of the times

here's a rundown of some signs seen at saturday's protest march in new york. my personal favorites:

south alabama is against the war--get the freakin' hint

FREEZING MY ASS OFF FOR PEACE

war is tacky, darling

no blood for morons

somewhere in texas a village is missing its idiot.


February 17, 2003

catsicle

this morning there was a frantic, frosty-toed lunch under the covers with me, burrowing and huddling very close to my body. i wondered why he was so insistent, until i got up and realized t's -5.3 outside and we're out of heating oil. i called the company and they said, "hmm, looks like we have you scheduled for delivery this coming friday...but that'd be a little late, eh?" damn straight. happily the hot water heater is propane-powered, so i can have a boiling hot shower and then tool off to burlington in the nice toasty car for an appointment. paul, on the other hand, gets to stay home and wait on the tundra in his office, warmed by the heat of three computers, to let the oil man inside to light the pilot on the boiler. good times, good times.

update: the guy came in to light the pilot and said that a lot of their customers had been running out of oil. i guess we've all been using more oil in this exceptionally cold weather. what i want to know is why the oil company hasn't been keeping track of the temperatures and adjusting their schedules accordingly. i'll not rest until i have an answer.

well, actually, i probably will. i rest a lot these days.

February 16, 2003

pyramid scheme

as terry mentioned in her blog, there's a new food pyramid that's supposed to improve on the old one we grew up with. it suggests limiting the consumption of fluffy white starches, red meat, and dairy, and promotes the consumption of whole-grain foods, vegetables, and healthy fats.

after some careful consideration, i've made some changes to this pyramid that account for my personal tastes and habits. i think it's a way of eating we can all enjoy and thrive on.

February 15, 2003

let me eat cake

i made this cake last night for my birthday, replacing "lemon" with "orange" throughout. i made a couple of changes of my own:

  1. when making the ganache, i added about 1/8 of a teaspoon of orange oil, so that the ganache ended up tasting exactly like a terry's chocolate orange.
  2. instead of waiting until the ganache firmed up entirely before frosting, i poured it over the layers while it was still somewhat liquid. this produced a really smooth, thin layer -- elegant and not too gloopy. (i don't like a thick carpet of frosting.) then, when the ganache had solidified enough to avoid frosting slump, i frosted the sides in the same thin, smooth layer.
it looked and tasted perfect, and now half of it is comfortably lodged in the freezer, waiting for the next occasion.

a 9.9 from the bulgarian judge

yesterday i got a note from howard, rich's brother. he said he'd been searching the internet for rich's name and found a post by someone who explained rich's death thus:

"Essentially, RICHH was crippled (paralyzed on one side, best I can tell) by a trampoline accident, and in response despite that he shouldn't have been able to accomplish it, hanged himself rather than continue to live disabled. I got that out of a second communication from his brother."
utter fabrication, but it was the kind of thing rich would have loved. i told howard:
I laughed like a loon when I read that post. Convincing people of the improbable (and, let's face it, ludicrous) was one of the things Rich did well. I think Rich would have gotten a huge kick out of reading that...and then would have relentlessly mocked the poor goofy bastard for being so gullible.
howard went on:
Its ironic that this that this poster attributes Rich's death to a trampoline...when Rich's run in with a trampoline was actually more damaging to my esteem then his....

When I was in 7th grade, Rich was on the High School gymnastics team....they were visiting my middle school to give a demonstration....when Rich's turn came to jump on the small trampoline and go over the horse....as my comrades around me pointed out "Hey isn't that your brother about to jump"...rich decided to improvise his technique...and fall through the small trampoline...instead of jumping off it....as he tumbled and fell close to the object he was attempting to scale....

Needless to say....I wanted to hang myself after that display.

...and, god help me, i can just envision rich now doing a spastic version of the little stretch women gymnasts do after a routine, arms splayed way back behind, pelvis tilted all the way back to the stone age.

good to hear from you, howard. i feel a little better.

and they say journalism is dead

post-cover.jpg
if there's one thing all new yorkers past and present know, it's that we can always count on the new york post to offer a well-reasoned, balanced account of the daily news.

February 14, 2003

a true ratings juggernaut

from the abcnews.com board devoted to discussing john stossel's, uh, journalism:

If John Stossel has the need to find a topic to debate during his segment "GIVE ME A BREAK" on 20/20, may I suggest "MEN WHO LOOK FOOLISH IN A 1980's MAGNUM P.I. MOUSTACHE"?

selected birthday vignettes

in no particular order...

one year when i was in elementary school, my parents gave me two blue parakeets for my birthday. they must have given them to me a day early or so. i got up early on valentine's day to finish stuffing envelopes for the all-important valentine swap at school. i went into the den to do my work and to visit the birds, only to find two stiff, dead parakeets on the floor of their cage.

special bonus parakeet moment: we had another parakeet for a very short while. it escaped from its cage one evening and made for the sliding glass door like a hellfire missile, colliding with an audible *bonk*. the bird died shortly thereafter.

special bonus small animal head trauma moment: seems like i also had a hamster right around that time. dana charpentier dropped it on its head on her doorstep. r.i.p., nibbles.


when i was a senior in high school, dad got a job in cleveland. he briefly lived in an apartment there while mom stayed behind in atlanta to see to the details of moving. i went to cleveland, too, so i could start school at the beginning of the second semester.

at the time, dad was traveling a lot. he was going to be in japan for my birthday. i was rather pleased to spend a few days on my own being all adult and self-sufficient, and determined to do only what i felt like (in addition to going to school, which it would not have occurred to me to skip). so on the day before my birthday, i took a long nap...so long that i didn't wake up until the next morning...with my contact lens glued to the insides of my eyelids.

i couldn't keep my eyes open for longer than a minute without intense pain. i somehow managed to find an eye doctor in an unfamiliar town, drive there in dad's rented lincoln town car while half-blind and panicking, and get my eyes unglued. i do not know how i managed to avoid a serious traffic accident, but later that day, after i drove to school, i did manage to get a parking ticket. i'm pretty good at things like that.


in college, i felt rather aggrieved one year because none of my friends had given me a card or a gift — i'd gotten nothing more than a grunted "happy birthday" at breakfast. my feelings were rather hurt, and i vented them to nancy, my roommate. and, oh, what an ass i felt like later, when i walked into the surprise party she'd arranged for me.


my friend peter feld used to take me out every year on my birthday. we'd have dinner and he'd tell me the clown joke. i miss peter. strangely, we only lost touch once we both lived in the same city.


it was my birthday the weekend i met owen, and we had a truly glorious time together. (i was young enough to be impressed that he'd had his apartment cleaned for my visit. now i would be contemptuously amused that he'd had to hire someone to do it for him.) i wrote him a note before i left, thanking him for "the best weekend in recent memory." only later would he tell me how offended he was that it was just the best "in recent memory."


in an abrupt swivel away from owen's prima donna psychodrama, let us consider for a moment the aeron chair that was a birthday gift from paul one year. he took me to have dim sum with some friends he'd gathered at golden unicorn, then walked me past modernica in soho, where my chair occupied the front window. he loves me and my lower back.

and he knows me, that's for sure. one year for my birthday paul got me a cake from cupcake cafe. "extra flowers," he told them, "and she likes orange." there was, i estimate, about a pound of orange buttercream crowning that cake, and i loved every bite.


speaking of cake, one year — i must have been about 11 — my mom and i baked a layer cake. every layer was a different color, and every layer of frosting was a different color. this was quite a vivid departure from the red velvet cake she usually baked me. (one year we had fancy petits fours from a real live bakery.)


when i was in high school and my brother paul was in college, he invited me to go out on my birthday. sure, fine. we went out for dinner at a hangout near the georgia tech campus, then he surprised me by pulling out tickets for that night's yes concert. no owner of a lonely heart, i!


oh, concerts. would you believe that duran duran was in town the night of my thirteenth birthday? dad took my friend sophie and me. i could have died happily that night except that sophie kept insisting nick rhodes had looked right at her. i plotted her demise for years after that.


when i was a tiny girl my aunts debbie and norma made me a real white tulle ballerina tutu for my birthday. enough said.

February 13, 2003

jet li in shaolin temple

five-word review of jet li's first movie, shaolin temple:

shoulda destroyed the negatives, jet.

(see some dissenting opinions here.)

i like yellow things

from lileks.com, a celebration of the song-poem:

The American Song-Poem Anthology, vol. 1, was released a few days ago, and if you’re interested in off-beat, unusual, idiosyncratic music - you know, all the words that usually spell “Unlistenable ear-shagging tripe” - then you need to get this disc. I’ve mentioned my love of the Song-Poem here from time to time, but let’s revisit the basics just to prepare you for the audio clips.

The song-poem companies put little notices in magazines, offering to set your words to music. You sent them the money. They sent you back a record. The end. No song-poem ever hit the charts; no song-poem ever made it on the radio, because they were some of the most uniquely wretched things ever created, an unholy intersection of bad words and bad music. But it wasn’t just the overall badness that makes this work stand out - the bargain bins are stuffed with banal crap shoveled out by the major labels. No, it’s something else, something quite special. The lyrics were written by people who actually thought a song about eating duck eggs daily would make a great top 40 hit. [...]

A few highlights:

1. Do You Know The Difference Between Big Wood And Brush - Gary Roberts & The Satellites

I’m guessing you don’t, but you will by the time the song is over, which is sometime next Tuesday. The genial, lumbering beat is elastic enough to accommodate those stanzas into which the lyricist poured a surplus of syllables.

3. I Like Yellow Things - Bobbi Blake

Inspired perhaps by Tom T. Hall’s famous recitation of the banal objects that gladden his heart, this tune is perhaps the only song-poem devoted entirely to manifestations of a primary color.

4. I'm Just The Other Woman (remake) - The MSR Singers

One of the more famous song-poems, and certainly one of the most painful. It’s a first-person account of the life of The Other Woman, and of course it’s sung by a man. To call this performance a falsetto would demean the fine traditions of doo-wop and the castrati; in fact, this song actually sounds as if the singer’s apparatus was being sawed off as the tune was recorded. And remember: the original was worse.

7. Beat Of The Traps - Rod & The MSR Singers

A case is often made for Rodd Keith as some unheralded genius. Unfortunately, most of the evidence seems to testify for the prosecution. “The Beat of the Traps” is one such song, a testimonial to percussion that’s the aural equivalent of chewing on a mouthful of glass. But it’s such tasty glass you just can’t stop chewing.

9. Jimmy Carter Says "Yes" - Gene Marshall

Why this wasn’t a number one, I can’t say. It’s the finest soul-disco song about governmental competence ever written.

17. The Moon Men - John Muir

The party-killing song to end all party-killing song, “The Moon Men” has no verses as we understand the concept; it’s just a description of the Apollo Mission with no rhyme or meter. Setting it to music was quite the task, and Muir created something quite unique: a song that cannot be recreated. It could only be done once.

18. The Palace Roses - Todd Andrews

Note to lyricists who want a good song-poem: it helps if you send in more than eight lines. If you only send eight lines, they’ll be repeated over, and over, and over again. The C & W treatment here is perfect, but you have the feeling that the author intended this as some sort of Old-King-Cole medieval song with lutes and drums. Lucky for us, we have this version, which cannot be improved upon. Wait for the end, when Mr. Andrews realizes he forgot some words, and jams them in double-time before the song ends.

19. Gretchen's New Dish - Dick Kent

There are two versions of this song, and this is the original. Mr. Kent sings in a German accent - why? Because the heroine is named Gretchen, of course. “In the merry month of May / Gretchen six years old today / brings from school a little dish / and a card with happy wish / from a boy across the way / Gretchen full of doo-doo.” In the remake, such by Bobbi Blake, the line is changed to “Gretchen full of dosie-do” - which is probably how it was originally intended. None of which detracts from the fact that it’s a song about a dish.

21. Song Of The Burmese Land - Cara Stewart

So this guy spends some time in Burma, hates it intensely, pours out his bile in some lyrics about how the government requires permits for making noise after 10 PM, but the Chinese and Indians always have noisy feasts that keep him up all night, but hey, they have permits. I tells ya, it’s like monkeyland! Naturally, the lyrics are set to a dreamy, romantic beat and sung like a Polynesian lullaby.

23. Listen Mister Hat - The Jerrymanders, vocal Wm. H. Arpaia

It sounds like a Little Rascals score performed by musicians in their 80s, but what really sets it apart is the cranky, drunk-at-the-end-of-the-bar vocal by William Arpaia. He doesn’t have much to work with here - it’s mostly observations on life’s difficult nature, but each verse ends with the inexplicable command “Listen, Mister Hat!”

27. Run Spook Run - Rodd Keith

Best song-poem ever. Call it the “Hot Rodd Lincoln” of song poems - catchy beat, great vocal, nutball brass, perfect chorus hook. I think they were all mighty proud of this one, and for good reason.

28. Blind Man's Penis - Ramsey Kearney

Let’s say you were on to the whole song-poem racket, and thought it would be fun to send them strange rambling incomprehensible lyrics about Stevie Wonder’s genitalia. Would they record them?

Why, yes. Yes they would.


intrigued? buy the album.

i'll even buy the paint.

from an abcnews.com board about the recent terror alert, a suggestion for stress relief:

I think everyone should get out a paintbrush, and some paint and some paper or a wall... and just paint. It will make you feel better!

c'mon over and pick a room.

terry has a blog

my friend terry now has a blog. on the off chance that you're not already sick of hearing me talk about her, you now have a chance to hear her talk about herself!

i am wearing orange socks...

i told paul the other night that it was nice to know what the terror alert color was -- it helps me match my wardrobe appropriately, like garanimals*.

he thought for a second and said, "no...more like terranimals."


* the cool kids in grade school had those. ah, but we wore toughskins, and they have made me the fashion plate i am today.

February 12, 2003

stick a fork in it; it's done.

finally finished america the beautiful and packed it off for its journey to its new home, wherever that will be. i learned a lot making this quilt. moreover, it's the first quilt i've made where the quilting was a significant feature of the finished product. i also stitched the binding down in record time with a breathtaking lack of complaint. now i shall sprinkle the sewing room with gasoline, drop a lit match, and consider my work here done.

February 11, 2003

paul's latest trick

this past weekend paul built a nice slatted shelf for the pantry to hold potatoes and onions and other rooty treats that require good air circulation. nice job, paul!

pop quiz

forwarded to me:

Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed
since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:

China 1945-46
Korea 1950-53
China 1950-53
Guatemala 1954
Indonesia 1958
Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960
Congo 1964
Peru 1965
Laos 1964-73
Vietnam 1961-73
Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69
Grenada 1983
Libya 1986
El Salvador 1980s
Nicaragua 1980s
Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99
Sudan 1998
Afghanistan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999

Q: In how many of these instances did a democratic
government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct
result? Choose one of the following:

(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none
(d) not a one
(e) a whole number between -1 and +1

February 10, 2003

i can't believe they even let this guy drive a car.

i just heard a clip of president jackass on the radio. he was speaking at a conference of religious broadcasters (my tax dollars at work, thankyouverymuch), and he began one incoherent paragraph by saying, "...if war is forced upon us..."

forced upon us? 'scuse me if i'm asking an indelicate question, but exactly whose idea was this to begin with?

don't say it was the iraqis', either, and that if they hadn't been misbehaving we wouldn't need to go in and smack them. that's like saying your six-year-old brother made you hit him. real mature, boy george.

exact change only

who needs a trip to maine when you can get lobster from a vending machine?

what the squirrels did this morning

about two feet away from the iron pole that holds up the suet feeders in the back yard, two gray squirrels in turn backed up, hunkered down, and took a flying leap at the pole. about a foot up, they grabbed the pole with their claws, and tried to shinny up it toward the feeders...

...but instead slid down, down, down until they landed with a bump that made a visible *poof* in the powdery snow.

February 08, 2003

you won't thank me for this

here is how i'm wasting time these days. it's a game called bookworm. click the tiles to link them together into words, then watch them all slide down. it's like tetris + boggle.

i cannot look away.

February 07, 2003

john, paul, george, and dingus

here's what we did on our louisiana vacation. click on the images for a larger version. unfortunately, no audio track survives, but it's got a good beat. you can dance to it.

q: what do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? a: a drummer.
q: what does the average drummer get on an i.q. test? a: drool.
q: what do you call a drummer with half a brain? a: gifted.
q: what do you call the smartest drummer in the world? a: mildly retarded.

found object: conspiracy theory

from the abcnews.com message boards about martin bashir's interview of michael jackson, broadcast on 20/20 last night:

Its also obvious that the man conducting the interview is of West Asian origin. Can we be totally sure that this was not another plot to destroy our great American society form within by tearing down our cultural icons? Has ABC been infiltrated? Who can we trust now? And why doesn't Disney sue MJ for stealing their "Majic Kingdom - Main Street USA" train station architecture for his home? All questions to be answered, hopefully, by the next episode of 20/20.

soundtrack

once i went to this fairly swanky place in new york for a massage. it was relaxing in the extreme -- dim rooms, hushed sounds, and sagey smells. so southwest i almost expected kokopelli to traipse through the room in a bathrobe. (i would have welcomed the opportunity to kick his spiky flute-playing ass. i dislike him so.)

so there i was on the massage table, stripped and greased, getting pummelled within an inch of my life, hearing the sound of piano music wafting over the speaker system. relaxed, as i said, in the extreme. that is, until the sound system started playing

the funeral march.

i thought of that today when i was at the doctor's office, whiling away the time with my feet up in stirrups.

February 06, 2003

straight from the horse's ass

i'm pretty well convinced that it's my short attention span that's responsible for the current state of american politics. i try to stay focused but, my god, who can listen to this stuff without wanting to jump off a bridge? and these people, they do things while we're not looking, like, you know, move into the white house and start playing with guns.

first, colin powell's presentation at the united nations. i am convinced, and have been for quite some time, that saddam hussein does not play well with others. i remain unconvinced, though, that he needs to removed now and at the toddler-like behest of the u.s. absent a deliberate act of provocation. (does violating u.n. resolutions constitute sufficient provocation? don't know; ask israel.)

now we can argue till the cows come home about whether iraq poses an imminent threat to u.s. security and needs to be ground under our boot heel without delay. my gut says no. of course, my gut is occasionally quite ill-informed due to the little attention problem i mentioned above -- i haven't received the full briefing on iraq. apparently i'm not alone in that. jonathan tucker, a former u.n. biological weapons inspector in iraq, wrote in salon:

Another troubling subtext of the presentation was that the U.S. government possessed intelligence -- for example, the satellite images of decontamination trucks carting away prohibited materials from weapons sites -- that would have been of great value to the inspectors had it been made available. I noticed that Hans Blix often appeared extremely angry and I think that might have been the reason -- not only that Iraq was pulling the wool over his eyes, but that the U.S. had actionable intelligence while the inspectors were in the country and did not make it available. I think this was because there was resistance from the intelligence community to declassify information and strong elements of the administration that did not want inspections to succeed -- the hawks who saw the inspections as a sideshow.

(you can read the full article here if you don't mind a few ads.)

moving on to superficial concerns, which are, alas, my specialty, what about covering guernica outside the security council? i am hugely amused to read the various interpretations of this. i like this one best:

"It's only temporary. We're only doing this until the cameras leave," said Abdellatif Kabbaj, the organization's media liaison.[...]Mr. Kabbaj amplified thus: "We had a problem with, you know, the horse." It was, of course, a camera crew that noticed that anyone who stood at the U.N. microphone would be photographed next to the backside of a rearing horse.

February 05, 2003

a thousand sandwiches

mom's comment reminds me of a game paul and i play called a thousand sandwiches. it's dead simple and good for long car trips.

you just describe a fine sandwich, in graphic detail.

"sourdough roll, crusty but not so hard that it bruises your palate when you bite into it, just sliced straight across. breast of roast chicken, sliced, but it needs to have the skin taken off and it should have been roasted with lemon zest and garlic butter. one perfect slice of tomato -- if the tomatoes aren't good, cancel the entire sandwich. a thin scrim of homemade mayonnaise. a sprinkling of crunchy sea salt applied directly to the tomato, and freshly ground black pepper over the whole affair. warm the whole thing very gently in the microwave. sorta mash it down, slice it in half, devour."

and then the next person does it. "you know that flexible afghani flatbread with little bits of onion in it? take some of that..."

February 04, 2003

damn that al gore, anyway

i just talked to my nephew david to wish him a happy birthday. he wasn't especially eager to talk to me -- when i asked him if he could manage to give answers consisting of more than one word, he eked out two: "yes, ma'am." uh, hm.

he described his birthday dinner to me. i asked him if he'd send me some. "no, aunt julie, it would be spoiled by the time it got to vermont." even via fed ex? "they don't allow you to send food!" even packed in dry ice? "aunt julie." maybe via e-mail? "you can't put food into the internet. iloveyoubye." *click*

antidepressant

watch koko get a kitten. weep at the cuteness. it's not quite all ball, but close.

words to live by

from the posters at abcnews.com, a few sage words of wisdom, verbatim:

Your argument compelled me to write you back and say............"How very retarted my dear"

You are probably one of the ones that think violence never solves anything....but you are wrong, so far it has solved everything!

With any luck... we will have one more terrorist act and it will blow you up...with any luck

You are one sick puppy if yer hoping for the death of someone whose crime is to disagree with you. Get to a vet and get yer rabies shot.

Why should he we don't it's amazing to me that a country with so many wepons of massditraction is telling everybody else they can do what we think we have the right to do. Talking about douple standart. Did we forget we after ban laden haven't heard his name for a long time from anybody could it be because we can't find him we go after a easier man , because he for sure hasn't been hiding

You are a MORON!

Children, children please! God loves all of us stupid moron humans.

yea, verily.

the jeff corwin experience

last night we watched jeff corwin. he had some frogs on his face, a monkey on his head, and a gigantic cockroach on the back of his neck. that man will touch anything.

all i could think as he stood there waxing eloquent about the monkey on his head was, "that's an excellent way to get lice, my friend."

i kept waiting for him to point excitedly to his ankle and extol the plump rare beauty of a leech clinging to his skin.

February 03, 2003

found object: spiderman

truth on wheat with mayo

letterman asked zevon if his condition [terminal cancer] had taught him anything about life and death. ''how much you're supposed to enjoy every sandwich,'' zevon answered.

— jon pareles on warren zevon, from "in his time of dying," in the nyt sunday magazine, 1/26/03


reasons why i am a terrible person, #4,033,652

from the abcnews.com boards:

The Failings of Our Machines

Numb and nauseous, I am
At what's transpired before my eyes
Wisp trace contrails from travelers
Who's souls streak across sky

Bold men and women aboard
Who've put aside their own
To step up to the conquest
For discovery's sake alone

Traveling five miles per second
Becomes a lease upon ones dreams
The fragility within ourselves
To even touch His breadth of scheme

But failings of machines
Mirror short falls in us all
Yet not for thirsts of venture
Indeed we would withdraw

For the ship tethered at harbor
Is safe 'till set to uncertain sea
Always built from beginning
And designed to explore a destiny

So we carry on into this 'morrow
As still bleed our hearts in recent fear
No, not losing human touch, feeling, or sorrow
For the souls we'll now grasp here

Now we give up to our God
With hanging heads remorse
Those that have now become
Part of history's quest's course.

there is something about national tragedies that brings the poets out of the internet woodwork. to those of you who think i'm going straight to hell for laughing (at the poem, not the event), all i can say is that you should have seen what they wrote after september 11.

ftrain.com

do you read ftrain.com?

i've been reading it for a couple of years now. it's written by a guy in brooklyn named paul ford. sometimes he posts his own writing; sometimes other people's; sometimes photos; sometimes other things.

his site always makes me wish i had something even slightly less banal to say.

you oughta go see the mardi gras

in new orleans, mom and betty and i went to a mardi gras store. (mom gives mardi gras dinner parties, and needed some more decorations to give her home that classy purple-gold-and-green-glittery look. understated elegance.) here is some music, RA format, to give you some local color.

i grew up hearing mardi gras music, of course, so the songs they played over the pa system were familiar to me. doesn't matter: since saturday night i have had the whistling riff from "go to the mardi gras" scrolling through my head.

make it stop. i beg of you.

state of the union address

five-word review of the sotu address:

missed it; intentionally, blessedly incommunicado.

peace like a river

five-word review of peace like a river:

plainsong plus cowboys plus miracles.

found object: unmentionable

back from louisiana

just a brief taste:

lydell, who's about to turn fifty, had shown us her new tattoo. mom was marveling at it, saying she couldn't understand the notion of volunteering for pain. "how long did it take you to get it?" she asked, and we all expected lydell to say, you know, half an hour, an hour.

but betty rolled her eyes and said, "obviously about fifty years."