Hello, all! Let me introduce myself. I am Lawrence W. Lippincott, Jr, known to friends and enemies as Lippy. Originally born in a log cabin in Indiana near the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln. My parents had a country house nearby, but wanted me to be bo rn with the blessing of a great man, the Great Emancipator. I suppose, in my days, I have emancipated a few things here and there: countries from fascist and communist dictators, pubs and opium dens from their bill of fare, and ladies from their underga rments.

Back in 1989, I was involved in the relatively peaceful overthrow of the communist tyranny here in Doyslovna (only six deaths, two of which I was responsible for; and four broken kneecaps, all of which I had a hand in). As it turns out, the commies took happily to capitalism, as Truman, Ike, JFK, LBJ, Tricky Dick, Ford, Carter, and the Gipper knew they would.

As a reward for my part in the overthrow, I was given the first Medal of Doyslovnan Freedom, and lifetime Room and Board here at Lefty's, where young people come from far and wide to get advice from a wise old greybeard like myself.

Soon, I intend to write a book about my life, so you had best take advantage of me now. For, in true capitalist fashion, after the book comes out, I'll begin to charge for these pearls of wisdom.

Here's a question now!

Amber Lynn McDonald, of Kokomo, Indiana writes,

Some guy told me that in Doyslovna, you can buy all sorts of drugs and shit. Is that true? Can I get, like, X or a wine cooler or something, and nobody can bust me or nothing?

My dear, Doyslovna has a totally free market. That doesn't mean everything is free, of course! But you can buy anything you want — if you have the cash to pay for it. It reminds me of Burma in the late '40s, right after the wa r was over. You could buy somebody's mother for a clean pair of boots. I myself traded a bazooka and a box full of grenades for a house in the country filled with Louis Quatorze furniture and a canteen full of morphine.

In fact, last night in Doyslovna, I was able to purchase a quarter-kilo of cocaine for ten dollars, which I then traded for a sheet full of blotter acid, and a night of debauchery with three nubile young female members of the Party Pa rty.

As it turns out, one of the three young ladies was only thirteen (the age of consent in Doyslovna is fourteen), so I was induced to trade the remaining tabs of acid to the girl's parents in exchange for fading away quietly like one of the hallucinations. Comme ci, comme ca. Easy come, easy go.

Be that as it may, the free market of Doyslovna is a hell of a place to indulge your wildest fantasies. I haven't had this much fun since I set myself up as a mercenary general in western China in the '30s.

Amber Lynn is a lovely name, my dear, and I think you would have wonderful time in Doyslovna. If you come, stop by Lefty's and introduce yourself to me! (Unless you're younger than fourteen, or your parents don't understand the mean ing of the word "statuatory".)

Yrs. truly,


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