NUKES!

<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#000000" LINK="#000080" VLINK="#FF0000" ALINK="#800000"> <IMG WIDTH=531 HEIGHT=165 VSPACE=10 SRC="Grafiles/usinsurx.gif" ALT="U.S. Insurance"><BR> <HR NOSHADE> <IMG WIDTH=250 HEIGHT=276 HSPACE=10 VSPACE=10 ALIGN=LEFT SRC="Grafiles/sam3.gif" ALT="I Want You"> <P><FONT SIZE=+2>T<FONT SIZE=+1>HE CORPORATION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA</FONT><BR> (USACORP)</FONT><BR> (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Chase Manhattan Bank), in conjunction with The Insurance Company (T.I.C.), would like to announce a new and exciting policy:<BR> <P> <CENTER><FONT SIZE=+2>U.S. Insurance!</FONT></P></CENTER> <P>It's hard to explain such a revolutionary concept. Instead of wasting your time with boring actuarial charts or pointless ROI statements, we've decided to re-create our first sale!</P> <P>The man responsible for U.S. Insurance was Michael "Peg Leg" Troiano (the former Heisman Trophy candidate out of Cornell University). Mr. Troiano tells us the idea came to him as he was sitting in a meeting involving trade agreements with the Republic of Japan. Frustrated at a sudden impasse, Mr. Troiano was unable to contain himself, and burst out, "Dammit, just sign the [expletive deleted] treaty, or I'll break your [expletive deleted] legs!" <P>Impressed by his forceful negotiating style, the Japanese signed the agreement -- and also offered Mr. Troiano a job as a lobbyist! Mr. Troiano turned them down, however, because the breakthrough in negotiations had given him an idea.</P> <P>Let us take you then, to a recreation of the first meeting between Michael Troiano, President of T.I.C, and British Prime Minister John Major. We feel that it will tell you everything you need to know.</P> <PRE><UL><UL>Transcript 8/1/95 <STRONG>Troiano: I suppose you got a question about why I asked you here, Prime Minster.</STRONG> Major: You're [expletive deleted] right I do! Who are these [expletive deleted] thugs you call executive assistants? <STRONG>Troiano: That ain't important. Just listen to this offer I have to make to you.</STRONG> Major: Offer? Who are you representing? <STRONG>Troiano: Let's just say that a certain government that won a certain War of icy temperatures has an offer. It seems this unnamed government has a lot of debts because of this war. Debts that you might say are, uh, <EM>disturbing</EM>. And this government has decided that it might like some, you know, <EM>help</EM>. With these aforementioned debts.</STRONG> Major: What are you getting at? Is this some kind of shakedown? <STRONG>Troiano: <EM>Shakedown?</EM> Prime Minister, prime minister. Tsk, tsk. You've got a very active imagination.</STRONG> Major: Well, what is this all about then? <STRONG>Troiano: Let me put it in simple terms, PM. London, that's a nice city you got there. I heard a lot about it. Big Ben, Tower of London, Westminster Abbey. That's some nice shit you got there. It'd be a real <EM>shame</EM> if something was to, uh, <EM>happen</EM> to it.</STRONG> Major: <EM>Happen</EM> to it? What in the world do you mean? <STRONG>Troiano: Well, PM, as you may or may not know, we -- oops, I meant to say <EM>this unnamed government</EM> has got a whole lotta nuclear weapons just <EM>sitting</EM> out there. You know, in, like, South Dakota, North Dakota. One a them [expletive deleted] states out there. And you know, a lot of those nukes, we don't even barely know where they are, if you know what I mean. And there's some crazy bastids [sp?] out there, PM. Like that Oklahoma City thing. And it don't take nothing to turn some kinda, you know, <EM>launch</EM> key.</STRONG> Major: Are you utterly [expletive deleted] <EM>mad</EM>? You're talking about nuclear weapons! <STRONG>Troiano: Oh, I know, I know. It disturbs me also very much. But here's what I'm saying to you. Maybe if this unnamed Cold War-winning government weren't so, you know, <EM>burdened</EM> with debt, maybe it could do something about making sure said nukes never got launched.</STRONG> Major: What are you saying, exactly? <STRONG>Troiano: Maybe, just maybe, you might want to consider buying a little... <EM>insurance</EM>.</STRONG> </pre></UL></UL> <P><FONT SIZE=+2>Buy insurance?</FONT></P> <P>We couldn't agree more! Now, and for the forseeable future, The Insurance Company is offering insurance to the major nations of the world. If you purchase our full coverage, we guarantee the following: <UL> <LI>Your capital city will not be destroyed by a American nuclear missle <LI>Your citizens will not rot away from radioactive cancer <LI>Your children will not be malformed cannibalistic mutants <LI>You will not live in fear of crazed rednecks with their fingers on the button </UL> <P>However, if you don't purchase our full coverage, who knows what could happen! Policies will be aggresively offered to all major nations, city-states, and unicorporated countries.</P> <P>Our clients already include Great Britain, Macedonia, Singapore, and the <A HREF="doyslov.html">Republic of Doyslovna</A>! <P><STRONG>So, remember:</STRONG></P> <H2>Nothing spells safety from Nuclear Armegeddon like U.S. Insurance.</H2> <pre> <FONT SIZE=-1>The Insurance Company is not liable for the actions of crazed terrorists, civil war, or acts of god.</FONT> </pre> <HR NOSHADE> <CENTER><IMG WIDTH=289 HEIGHT=21 SRC="Grafiles/theco.gif"></CENTER> </BODY>