The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

Aries

The early stages of a relationship with an Aries are truly the most fun. He loves to woo and is quite irresistible when he turns on that potent physical charm. He likes to go out a lot. Dining he can take or leave, but dancing is usually an important part of the ritual. Try not to laugh at him when he shows off on the dance floor. He may have the annoying habit of "dancing with himself," but that's when you can teach him a few things, you passive whore you. A little dirty dancing goes a long way.

You will also find that he is well liked but basically marches to his own drummer. Hang out in a group... he will appreciate the social contact, but make no mistake, he wants to be with you and you alone, you little love object you. So, just when he seems totally "over" the communal experience, pull him off to a private corner and rub your nose against that thick brow of his. (If it's a uni-brow, all the better.) But just give him a nice long taste. Then let him decide what comes next. Remember who's the boss, honey.

Taurus

The early stages of your relationship with a Taurus man are likely to be sweet and sexy. As I mentioned, he lives by his routines and dies by them, so once you are part of his world, you will experience the honor of becoming part of the structure and fabric of his daily life. Mr. Taurus is reliable, and unlike most unchivalrous and tacky whores, these days, when he says he is going to call, he will call you. You will probably find this kind of consistency and maturity quite refreshing and endearing, and even if you don't (say, if you have every planet in Sag and love to be wild and crazy all the time), I bet his gallant style will grow on you.

Sexually, you will find that this man creeps up on you like the heat from a fireplace on a cold winter's night. Once he feels comfortable enough with you, he can be surprisingly creative and experimental. He will enjoy discovering your body limb by limb, touch by touch, and at that point you should consider yourself a lucky lad.

Quality of life is superimportant to him, even if he's in the "poor student" phase of his life. He will still give you a better-quality towel to dry yourself with after a shower at his pad than you will find in your own home, or your cheap mother's. The man has got the right touch.

Gemini

If you read my last section (and you better have, you ungrateful, selfish... oh, sorry -- I thought I was up to the section about cancer guilt, which is even worse than a Jewish mother's guilt), then you have probably already figured out that life with Senor Gemini is much like being on a television sitcom. Witty and light banter, compelling characters, and a lot of commercial breaks when you can... you know... do what boys do.

The Gemini man likes to prove himself in a sexual way, so he may spend most of his time trying to get you naked. However, what will really turn him on, once the initial conquests are over, is if you turn him on to new things. What can he learn from you? He's a quick study, so throw something challenging and unusual at him. He tells you he knows nothing (other than what he's picked up here and there) about homosexual love trysts in Europe during the First World War, which just happens to be what you're writing a book about. Well, enthrall him with your acumen, Agent Starling.

You spoke Russian fluently in high school, but have lost it over the years? Well, brush up and practice on him. He loves to learn and has a fantastic ear. And I hope for your sake you like his friends, because he will bring them along on your little dates (which usually have many parts to them, including dancing, sex, renting a video, baking a cake, and scouting locations for his brother's film) whenever he feels like it. He's a divinely social creature, so you'd better be, too. If you start trying to possess him and keep him locked up in your bedroom or shower, away from the social and intellectual stimuli he needs to survive, then you can forget about making it to the next section.

Cancer

Do you like to eat? Do you like to stay home and cuddle in front of the TV? Do you like to have sex? If you answered yes to all of the above, then you are ready to start dating a Cancer man. And you get extra points if you can do all of the above at once. Mr. Cancer makes a great boyfriend. He is affectionate in public and in private, he is loyal and loving and will probably be the object of much desire from friends and strangers alike. Wait a minute... he could be a chocolate Labrador retriever, couldn't he?

Well, I guess. But can a dog discover what makes you scream with pleasure and give it to you as often as you want it? Never mind.

Sexually, he is ready to go at it almost anytime, but you may have to teach him a few tricks. He is not so imaginative sexually. He knows what he likes, and he likes it a lot. If you are simply burning to be straddled over the bathtub while he recites passages from the Mommie Dearest screenplay ("Don't fuck with me, fellas!"), then you'd better guide him into a suit that accentuates his broad shoulders and lure him into position yourself. He's resistant to change at first, but then once he feels comfortable, he's just as kinky as the next fashionable sodomite.

Leo

So, you've snagged a Leo man, eh? Congratulations. I hope you enjoy talking on the phone. You see, most fellows can answer the question "How are you?" in a few minutes; Mr. Leo will take no less than a few hours... every time. You had better keep asking him or he will think you're neglecting him. In which case he will be forced to give you "the cold treatment," which is very chilly indeed. And believe me, you will not want to be on the receiving end of this twice.

Mr. Leo will probably put you through a few tests before he opens his heart to you. His mama told him to shop around, so he is likely to hold back a bit in the beginning of your liaison. Of course, his version of "holding back" is likely to be quite transparent, if he really likes you. He wants a one-on-one, completely possessive relationship.

His possessiveness and jealousy will come through early on. If you want to insult him and ruin your chances with him, bring one of your exes who's now a good pal along for a group outing. He'll charm your former lover, then go home along leaving behind only an icy "Ta" for you. You had better be prepared to treat him like royalty. Yes, this man is totally high maintenance, but if your love is true, it will totally worth it.

Virgo

He's an eccentric chap. Mr. Virgo is a bit of a "confirmed bachelor" at heart... just like those handsome film stars of the fifties who never seemed to "get serious" about a girl! Well, he is sure about his sexuality, it's just dating and relationships in general that give him stomach pains. He has his routines and doesn't like to shake them up too much. Of course, he is likely to cover up that inflexible side of his nature when he first meets you. He may adapt to your routines and get more involved in your life than vice versa. However, he will always keep certain habits and routines of him, no matter how wrapped up in you and your neuroses he becomes.

Mr. Virgo is wonderful to talk to, in bed or out. When it comes to lovin', he can really handle criticism and is more open than he seems. If you have a want or a need, all you have to do is express yourself, Madonna, and he will go out of his way to please you. And during the light he is really fun to be around because his mind is so active. There's always plenty to talk about, and you will probably learn a lot from this soft-spoken man of inner strength.

Libra

Unless you've bagged a rich Libra, you should probably have a lot of money or the potential to make a lot of money before you get too serious with him. Oh, I'm not saying he's shallow, it's just that he lives by my mother's favorite saying: "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one." This boy just likes to be comfortable. He lives for luxury, and for lunching. Surprise him at the office and take him out for lunch, and you'll win extra points. His fellow Venus-ruled sign, Taurus, sees God in the material things. Mr. Libra sees God in expensive skin cream, an expensive show, and a long, luxurious meal in a divinely atmospheric restaurant. His taste is exquisite and his yearnings many.

But you will get a lot in return with Mr. L. He loves romance. He'll brag about you and fawn over you in public and make you feel like the most important man in Canarsie (or wherever you call home.) Yes, he is a not-so-subtle manipulator. But you'll put up with it 'cause he's so damn cute.

Example:

YOU: So, I don't get paid till next week, is it okay if we order in and... you know, get comfortable? We've gone out so much this week.

LIBRA MAN: Sure. I'm a little tired anyway. But I'll be happy to cook for you, if you're broke.

YOU: No, no. I just want to have a nice long night alone with you.

LIBRA MAN: Me, too. Why don't I cook? Then we can just watch some TV and act like an old married couple. Next week we can go to that lovely little bistro on Fourth Street. Of course, all the cool people are there now, but who cares about that?

YOU: Oh, I don't want to be a drag. Why don't we just go tonight? I'll put it on AmEx.

LIBRA MAN: Oh, no. I'd much rather stay in. I'll put on an old bathrobe and start cooking.

YOU: Oh, you're too cute to slave over a hot stove. Let's go. I insist! My treat!

LIBRA MAN: Well, if you're sure that's what you want.

YOU: Of course.

LIBRA MAN: Great. You know that place really looks sexy.

And you'll know from his bedroom eyes that you will get the fuck of your life after you drop some big bills at Chez Whatever. You'll go into debt, but you'll live well.

Scorpio

When a Scorpio man enters your life, you will feel your pulse race just a little bit faster, and you will find that life suddenly becomes much less predictable. Get used to this level of giddy yet heavy fun, because it's only the beginning. Mr. Scorpio, if he's learned the lesson of Libra, the sign just before him, is actually seeking balance in his life, if you can believe that! Because it is so not a part of his nature to find true balance, that is why he seeks it out and craves it in a lover. He is hoping that you be able to offer him the whole package: sex, love, friendship, commitment, security, freedom. Oh, he aims high, all right!

Don't let his overemphasis on sex and passion fool you. He really wants it all. So, if you can show him all the different sides of you and hint at the range of meaningful roles you can play in his life all under the moniker of lover, then you can bet that he will stick around to see what happens next.

Sagittarius

The first thing you should keep in mind when beginning a liaison with Mr. Sag is that his biological clock is different from everybody else's, and I ain't talking about having babies. He loves to stay up late and party. He closes down the house, after having made pals with everybody at the club. He's a good-time boy. Remarkably, he's able to get up the next day and go to work, then slip off to the gym around five-thirty, only to hit happy hour and do it all over again. He's got energy and endurance to spare, but do you? Well, you'd better get some.

He is also not very big on intimate "alone" time. If you're having fun eating dinner together, wouldn't it be even more fun to invite some friends and strangers to join you? And while he's calling for extra chairs, he is unconsciously bringing together people who may hate each other. He loves free entertainment!

It's a loud, high-energy ride, dating Mr. Sag, but one that may make you feel seventeen again, no matter how old you are.

Capricorn

He's fun to go out with -- when you can get him to go out. As you can see if you've come this far, Mr. Capricorn is married to his work. And if he is in a vague or unsatisfactory place in his career, then he will probably be married to his depression. Either way, your mission is to make the boy laugh. Capricorn men have a heavy and serious side that dominates their personalities, but these boys sure know how to have fun, too. Bring out his sense of humor and irony and you will get him to loosen up and enjoy the ride, instead of just obsessing about the destination.

Certainly you should respect his nature, though. He likes to brood and he likes to work and feel useful, so don't expect him to take a spontaneous, happy-go-lucky attitude toward life (unless he has a bunch of planets in Sag.)

You can however teach him to get more in touch with his pleasure zones. Early in the relationship especially, Mr. Capricorn will be the most open to having fun and trying new things, from unusual sexual positions (some deemed physically impossible) to exotic foods. If you're intimate with him, you have the ability to help him grow, which he will always be indebted to you for. And this man always pays back his debts.

Aquarius

Mr. Aquarius is funny about relationships. He desperately desires a hot lover to express his physical side with and yearns even more for a man whom he can talk to and find a true and magical meeting of the minds with. It's his emotional resistance that makes him so darned difficult! Mr. Aquarius needs his space almost as much as, and in some ways more than, his Gemini brothers. With the exception of the Libra tribe, who are in love with love, air signs as a rule are freedom- and space-loving folk. Charming and superintelligent as they are, it makes it hard to get an emotional read on them.

If you are getting involved with an Aquarius man, you must train yourself not to take his moods, comments, or most of what he says and does too personally. His nature and his goal in life are a scientific type of objectivity. Of course, his loved ones (including you, boyfriend dearest) will train him to stop being so extreme about his egghead theories of objectivity, since they do not apply at all when it comes to human beings! However, this is his nature, and it does not make him a gentle and calming sort of fellow when he is not driving you crazy with his incredibly impersonal theories about life and love.

Pisces

The most wonderful thing about Mr. Pisces in the early stage of a relationship is also the most frustrating thing about him: he is a crazy, romantic fool! He believes in love at first sight, which is sweet and endearing, and incredible, too, during this cynical age. But you may feel slightly uneasy with the way he professes to "know" you before you've even spent two weeks together. He falls hard and fast and wants to get to the emotional intimacy right away. Straight, no chaser. But it is precisely this rush to true love that should bring up a big red flag for you: perhaps he's not as comfortable with intimacy as he professes.

If you really do dig him a lot, then be the more mature lover, for his sake and yours, and force him to slow down a little, so that your "love" doesn't burn out within a month.

You could also try to spend some quality time with him that isn't sexual. He knows that sex is his greatest weapon and his strongest defense, so don't let him use it on you all the time. Hang out with him and his friends and see what his life is like. That will give you a better sense of whether he is stable, has done some therapy, isn't an active alcoholic, is a genuinely evolved Pisces man, or is a drunken whore without a life or a job.

Copyright © 1999 Jill Dearman.


Back to the Stonewall Inn