Queer Astrology

Introduction

For Him:
  •  
  • The Twelve Sun Signs
  •  
  • Doing Him
  •  
  • Getting Rid of Him
    For Her:
  •  
  • The Twelve Sun Signs
  •  
  • Doing Her
  •  
  • Getting Rid of Her
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    Queer Astrology

    Doing Her and Dating Her
    From Queer Astrology for Women

    By Jill Dearman


    What's Your Sign?
    Aries Leo Sagittarius
    Taurus Virgo Capricorn
    Gemini Libra Aquarius
    Cancer Scorpio Pisces


    Aries

    Starting an affair with Ms. Aries? I hope you don't expect to get much sleep. This fiery gal will keep you going all night and most of the day. She's got energy to spare and you'd better keep it up if you want to make a good impression on her. Then again, she can be a bit frenetic and may just go to every sporting event, political meeting, and trendy nightclub just to impress you. You can gain her respect if you maintain your own personality (e.g., pull an all-night with her a couple of times a week, then let her know that on the other days you have a life of your own.) She digs independent women. She's one herself, you know. With Aries, there's always an invisible line in the sand. She lives hard and fast and wants to see if you're up for her highly energetic lifestyle. But she doesn't want to date a carbon copy of herself. For a simple woman with straightforward desires, she can be complex!

    Taurus

    Because she is so sexy and romantic, Ms. Taurus can be quite a joy to court and go steady with. Steady is the key word, though, because she is not the type to date more than one person at a time. Even the Taurus gals with a lot of Gemini in their charts will find it confusing and oddly unnerving on a spiritual level to bump pocketbooks with more than one chick at a time. Oh, she'll flirt up a storm with every go-go dancer and waitress from here to Graceland, but she will only get serious with one woman. So if you're looking to skirt around, perhaps you should skip to the Sagittarius chapter. This woman is looking to get married, and chances are you won't have much of say in it.

    But you probably have a good few months before wedding bells chime, so why not enjoy it? As I mentioned, these gals, sexy as they are, are prone to routine. So you should lay the groundwork for a steamy sex life right away. Introduce her to new things, from your antique Guatemalan vibrating butt plug to your own version of "50 Ways to Lick Your Lover." As time goes on, monotony can set in. Don't let that happen! Variety in your sex life with Ms. Taurus is the key to a spicy relationship; and one that's lusty and lasting, too.

    Gemini

    If you're versatile in bed and have a variety of different interests, you should be incredibly compatible with Ms. Gemini. In the early stages of a romance, she is at her most entertaining and energetic. If you want to win her heart, your credo should be "I'll try anything once." Just remember that her mantra is "I never like to do the same thing twice."

    You thought it was great having sex in the sauna of the gym where you both work out. So did she. She probably even wrote about it in her diary or shared the experience with a friend who was "sworn to secrecy." But don't think of trying to "surprise her" through the steam again. She's expecting it now. How dull. Leave her alone to think about the trip she's planning to South America, the state of the Dow Jones, and why the Laundromat keeps shrinking all of her T-shirts. The gal needs her space, and you shouldn't try to crowd her.

    Ms. Gemini wants to entertain and be entertained, but that doesn't mean she wants someone breathing down her neck all day, every day. Give her some time alone and she'll surprise you by showing up on your doorstep with a bouquet of the loveliest plastic flowers you've ever seen, and two tickets to a nude rock-opera version of Rosemary's Baby. No one is more fun than she is, or less predictable.

    Cancer

    Cancer women are at their most sexy, uninhibited, and downright lurid at the beginning of your relationship, but only if she sees a future with you. If her heart is in it, she is an incredibly sexy lover with an unbearably irresistible sweet streak. Ms. Cancer knows how to rub your tired muscles, make you a delicious home-cooked meal, and love you like you've never been loved before... all on your second date! Sounds good, doesn't it? It is. But what's that heavy, scraping noise you hear every time you're together? Ah... yes, the old ball and chain. That's right. Ms. Cancer is no free spirit, even if half her planets are in Sag or Aquarius. Ms. Cancer is softening you up and fattening you up all in an effort to prepare you for your future together as Mrs. and Mrs.

    Of course, sometimes, when Cancers are on the rebound from their ex-lovers or in a brand-new phase of their life (just coming out, new girl in town, etc.), they are a lot more wild and randy. That's when Ms. Cancer is likely to want to dance all night with you, come home at dawn, make love, and talk till noon the next day. Even though she has a strong self-protective streak, she still has an incredibly open heart... one that you will want to cherish.

    Leo

    Ms. Leo is so romantic and energetic, she is a real joy to date and get to know. She likes to check out the latest clubs and restaurants and easily befriends the service staff. She loves to be served, after all, and tips well for the privilege. She is also just so darned friendly. People love her. I hope you don't mind living in her shadow some, all right, most of the time. That's just the way it is when you are dating a celebrity.

    She's demanding, too. She likes to just chat on the phone and fill you in on all the minutiae and the drama of her day. If you are falling for her, you won't mind, as she does have such a funny and imaginative way of telling a story.

    And even for the most ambitious Leo "career girls," love is a major priority. A new romance brings out the best in her, and even if she is a little vain and egotistical, you can bet that she will also dote on you and make you feel like the center of her universe. And you are, baby, you are.

    Virgo

    Ms. Virgo is so ingratiating, she will probably come part of your life and part of your friends' lives within the first two weeks of your affair. She will help your Aunt Rita update her resume and will be happy to volunteer to run lines with your best friend, the would-be actress, Tina. That's Ms. Virgo's thing: she makes herself indispensable.

    Sexually, she is more of a dynamo than you might think. She can do you all night, every night, for a week, all the while insisting that you just relax and enjoy it. Of course, by week two she will probably be laid up in bed, where you will have to cater to her every need. But who knew that she was allergic to your coconut body oil?

    She is quirky and weird and utterly lovable. You can and will get used to having your pet Virgo around. She inspires attachment.

    Libra

    She is fun to go out with, especially if you like to spend a lot of money... on her. Ms. Libra likes the good things in life, and she is sure to turn you from a slob to a sophisticate in a few short weeks. Ms. Libra always knows what's hip and in. She is unapologetically trendy, but she is a trendsetter too. The gal loves arts and music, so don't plan on a bowling-and-pizza type courtship, you lug. She likes to dress up when she goes out, and I suggest that you spend a few bucks to improve your wardrobe, too. You'll feel more sexy and confident, and it will be worth the money when she undresses you with her eyes, then her hands, at the end of your dates.

    Scorpio

    Ms. Scorpio knows how to turn on the charm during the early stages of romance. But I hope you like your food and your women spicy and strong. She packs a wallop. Sexually, she wants to make you feel safe, while "violating" you in ever so subtle ways. She likes to push your boundaries, and as she begins to trust you, she will allow you into her deep, hidden places.

    Of course, on the surface she might just act like a good-time girl. Scorpios are at their most energetic and rambunctious when they are first getting involved. She will want to take you to seedy places, as well as romantic ones. This girl is all about mystery and mischief. She may throw you a few red herrings to see how smart you are. Clever dykes know when to go fish.

    Sagittarius

    Let her lead you around when you are first going out with a Sag woman. She is the take-charge type, and she knows better than anyone else where the fun is. Of course, you may have to get used to her "party all the time and never rest" way of life. Even the sober ones don't know the meaning of the words go home. She is pals with everybody and doesn't have enough etiquette to know that dates are meant to be one-on-one experiences. She'll show up with a crowd when you thought you were going to have an intimate evening together. Keep her ego in check because shy may take you for granted if she thinks you are desperate for her lovin'. She's a beast, but a charming one.

    Capricorn

    Your biggest challenge, if you are beginning a relationship with a Capricorn, is the competition. I don't mean a blond bimbo. I mean her job, stupid. She is obsessed with work and may have a hard time shutting out her obsessions when you're out on a date. If you are equally ambitious in your own right or are willing to put your support behind her 100 percent, then you should be off to a wonderful start.

    Sexually, she is a pent-up wild woman with an ax to grind. She may not be especially demonstrative in public, but in private she is steamy, and pretty cuddly, too. Like Faye Dunaway (a Capricorn!) in Chinatown, she may feel confused, torn, and incredibly turned on when she is in your arms. Cries of "My mother! My sister! My mother! My sister!" are not uncommon. Sex is intense for her.

    You can be the one who helps her find her sense of lightness and balance. Force her to have fun and to try new things.

    Aquarius

    Ms. Aquarius is fun to date. For someone who is so naturally cerebral, she has a high capacity for passion, especially at the beginning of an affair. You see, Aquarians are big, wild dreamers by nature. Therefore, she is apt to pin all her hopes and dreams to you and will believe that the two of you have the potential to change the whole world with your high ideals and your hot sex. The truth to those hopes will be revealed over time, but in those first few months, you could be in for some real magic.

    She lives in the world of ideas, so the more you talk on that level the better. She's incredibly smart and can teach you a lot, but what can you teach her? A great deal, I hope, or else you'll be canceled just like her subscription to Science Digest when it got too dry and predictable. If you can continually challenge her mind and break her taboos in bed, then you, too, will believe that dreams can come true.

    Pisces

    Ms. Pisces is a moody gal, so you may not ever know just what to expect from her. She can be an exciting, passionate lover, and a thrilling, inspiring person to be around... on Wednesday. On Thursday, she may be depressed and lethargic. And for someone whose favorite line is "How are you feeling?" she may not be able to pinpoint, let alone express, how she is really feeling, when she is feeling it. She can be elusive and frustrating, but her genuine sexiness and kindness will always keep you coming back for more.

    The Pisces woman loves to bring out the best in her lover. If you are a struggling guitarist, she'll listen to you rehearse the same old tired rip-off of "Layla," then bring you roses after every performance. But if you truly want to be the lover that lasts with Ms. Pisces, try showing her the same kind of obsessive support and loyalty. She needs some friendly guidance after all, because she is so easily panicked by the practical details of life. Be a mensch and type up a new resume for her on your computer if she's stuck in a dead-end job. She wants to perform? Help her to find the right classes and give her clues as to whom to audition for.

    Ms. Pisces is great at dealing with the big emotional crises of life. It's the little things that freak her out. She is the exact opposite of her opposite sign, Virgo, after all. Virgos of course are the queens of details, but have a hard time with the bigger picture.

    Of course, you may be getting the picture that Ms. Pisces is what would be called high maintenance. She would never 'fess up to that because she doesn't see herself that way. But she is. And if you are interested in doing and dating her, you better eat your Wheaties. This girl needs someone with strength and substance.


    Copyright © 1999 Jill Dearman.


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