Drama Queen

Introduction

Interview with the Author

Excerpts:
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  • Drama is an Elective
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  • "But I Thrive on Drama!"
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  • Drama's Roll Call
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  • Compulsive Spending
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  • Roommates

    Letter From the Editor

    Editorial: Having Our Say

    New Releases

    Authors On Tour

    Feedback

    Ordering

    Gay/Lesbian/Feminist Bookstores Around the Country

    The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

     




    Drama QueenRoommates — Half the Rent, Twice the Trauma

    From Drama Queen
    By Patrick Price

     

    Everyone has an awful-roommate story. The truly unlucky can rant all night. Maybe there was the grungy college roommate who never mastered the daily shower concept, or the wannabe frat boy who thought your lower bunk was far enough away for you not to notice all the bed-shaking grunts each time his girlfriend visited. But eventually you graduated and moved on. Unfortunately, sharing space is not just a college thing anymore. Depending on where you live and how much you earn, it's increasingly common and often inevitable to have a roommate for a long time. Sharing a huge house with vast separate wings is one thing, but reality's close quarters is an open invitation for drama to move in.

    Roommates are particularly prickly because it's an intimacy that's part friend, part tenant -- and witness to your every action and routine. You share time and space and, more importantly, a television, coffee maker, and hot-water supply. The result can be an amazing friendship, a respected acquaintance, or a live-in nightmare. Maybe you awake to the whir of blended shakes every morning, his attempts at Whitney's high notes in the shower, or his alarm clock from hell that makes the apocalypse sound cozy. His culinary specialty is pasta splattered with red sauce -- over the entire kitchen. To prevent a domestic cold war, it's essential to respect each other's presence and independence. This doesn't mean a trumpet herald with each entrance or free reign to turn your living room into a nightly disco. But you should feel comfortable coming home. If you're always on guard, you'll be one weary soul. And no, you don't always have to include him in everything -- he's a roommate, not a guest -- but an invitation every now and then wouldn't kill you.

    In truth, most roommates provide welcome company over bowls of cereal in the morning or watching television at night. But there are some roommate scenarios which aren't worth half the rent:

    The one who has no life

    He's always home, affording no privacy or time alone. It's like living with a rent-paying tchotchke -- a hint of personality that sits in your living room, collecting dust. Yes, he pays his share, but you almost wish he'd save it to go out sometime. He's not a bad fellow, but a live-in doorstop is a drag nonetheless. He's like a lapdog, but even they need to go out on occasion. As a teenager, you retreated to your room. As an adult, you head home when you want to hide. But even if you don't go out with others, he's always waiting for you. You start to feel weird having people over, forever mindful of another's presence. To impress your date, you prepare a romantic, candlelit dinner -- for three. Or he stays in his room like the crazy wife in Jane Eyre, only occasionally tiptoeing to the fridge or bathroom. He truly needs to get up and get a life or else inevitable boredom may turn him into --

    The one who wants yours

    You walk toward the door, he puts his coat on. He treats "So what are you up to?" as an invite. None of your friends want to call, because he annoyingly attempts to befriend them all. It's awkward to have to set boundaries, but otherwise some people never get the clue how you really feel. You don't want to snub him for fear of trading a tiresome roommate for a sulking one, but babysitting is not part of the roommate package. Each day you pray he'll meet someone -- anyone. Yet when he does he may turn into -- 

    The one who shares his life -- and yours -- with his boyfriend

    Three for Brunch

    You're overjoyed he finally met someone until his significant other moves in. You come home and he's on your couch, sipping your drinks, sorting your mail -- which would be kind of cute if he was your boyfriend. Your greeting quickly goes from "Hello" to "Hey" to "Are you still here?!" Soon you feel like an intruder in your own home. The boyfriend is always in the bathroom when you need it, hogging all the hot water -- or, worse, taking hours-long, giggly splashfests with the roommate, forcing you to an afternoon of Comet scrubbing before you're comfortable enough to take another bath. But as annoying as it can be, if the relationship sours and he hits a deep funk, he may turn into -- 

    The one whose life is a tad shady

    That roommate of yours is never home. Where at first you praised your good fortune, his disappearing act has left you curious. Where does he spend his days? He doesn't seem to work, yet he has money for bills. The kitchen is all yours, because he doesn't appear to eat. When he is around any attempt at small talk reveals nothing. And there are all those odd-hour calls and pages. When pushed, he says he works "in sales." His friends are nice if a bit quiet and mysterious. Is he low-maintenance and private or just plain creepy?

     

    Copyright © 2001 Patrick Price.

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