The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

First of all, a husband is not a boyfriend. Rather consider boyfriends to be husband larvae. As in a second-grade science experiment, you never quite know how things will evolve. (Still, even if your current beau doesn't blossom into Mr. Forever, you'll learn important lessons and fine-tune what you really do want.) It's hard to define a husband, but you'll know when you find him. You'll start thinking in the future tense and actually mean it. Department store "home sales" will be the thing of your dreams.

 

Think of boyfriends as husband larvae.

When we think of "husband," our heads are clouded with artsy greeting-card images of perfect, cuddling couples frolicking in the park with their yippy little dog or sharing a romantic breakfast in bed. While this may be the ideal (and some lucky boys' reality), life is not usually so simple or soft-focused. What then are we searching for, and how will we know if Mr. Right Now holds any Mr. Right potential?

Here's one imaginative litmus test. Remember back to some ugly old day of adolescence or early adulthood (I know it's cruel) when you thought you were the only gay person out there -- even if you just had that thought for a dark moment or two while being forced to endure some torture like a family reunion with third cousins or a junior-high-school dance (Amnesty International should really look into those things.) Trace back to your inevitable escape fantasy. I'm talking about the secret, wishful dream that could block out all the horror of droning relatives with deviled-eggs breath or the love-struck girl with braces who has her spindly arms resting on your shoulders. You know what I'm talking about -- the gay escape clause. It's important to relive because he's with you -- the husband -- if you look hard. Whether you're snuggling before a roaring fireplace or outside taking the world by storm (looking spectacular together, I might add), he's there beside you, and it feels like the most natural thing imaginable.

Is it just a dream? Hell, no.

It just takes a little work.

Men to Avoid

Beware of Men Who Wear Backpacks to Bars
Nothings says, "I'm desperate!" more than going out with a change of clothes. While I can't guarantee that the cute guy with the designer leather knapsack isn't just carting the remnants of his busy (and high-paying) worklife, you can safely bet that there's a toothbrush in tow.

You can't prepare for romance this obviously. It's not a slumber party. Of course, you hope to meet someone. Everyone secretly does. But you won't earn any points by telling him, "Don't worry, I brought my own bath towel and razor."

Avoid go-go boys.

Avoid Go-Go Boys and Strippers
I know that they're beautiful, but any man who makes his living flapping his assets in front of hundreds of horny men every night just isn't husband material. Who wants some drunken queen ogling his man at one in the morning while you're waiting up at home? If you dusted him for fingerprints, he'd be wearing a paw-marked leotard.

It's not that go-go boys and strippers aren't at times practical companions. They're always useful for making change and are remarkably low maintenance. Give them a gym, a G-string, and some work boots, and they're set to go. However, the day will come when you resent him and his chosen profession. Leave these guys on a pedestal, don't invite them into your heart.

Never Let Yourself Be Someone Else's Secret
A closeted man does not make a close husband, no matter how wonderful he may otherwise be. Don't be blinded by his good looks, his Pepsodent smile, his sexual acrobatics, his full wallet, or his generous promises. If no one else can share your happiness, the allure will soon fade.

Everyone can remember how awful it was to be in the closet. All the lying and deceit. Well, prepare for an endless rerun if you guy's dark secret is you. The first time he dodges an acquaintance, takes down your picture, or introduces you as his "friend," you'll know where you really stand. Come on now. You deserve a man who will love you in the daylight -- not romance you in the shadows when convenient. If he cares so much what others think, he doesn't care enough about you.

Give him a kiss to show him what he'll be missing, then pack your pride and self-respect and go.

More from Husband Hunting Made Easy:

• Introduction: Yes, you can have it all.
• A Self-Inventory Break: Look to these four special ways to spruce up your appearance.
• Okay, I Found Him -- But Now I'm Too Terrified to Speak: Don't say the wrong thing; discover the top ten most pathetic opening lines.
• A Husband Hunting Q&A: In this online exclusive, author Patrick Price answers letters from his mailbag.
• How Needy Are You?: Special! Take this interactive quiz to uncover your Needy Quotient.

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