The Cordelia Thorn Interview

The Merchant of Venus

Introduction

Excerpts:

Prologue

From Chapter Two

From Chapter Two (cont.)

From Chapter Three

An Interview with the Author

Talking to the Author
The Infamous Cordelia Thorn Interview of Ellen Hart

(Cordelia Thorn is a character in Ellen Hart's Jane Lawless series. She has been itching to interview Ellen for years. This, god help us, is the result.)

Cordelia: (Sits down behind her desk at the Allen Grimby repertory theatre. Lighted candles surround her. She nods for Ellen to take a seat.) Are you comfortable?

Ellen: Is this a seduction scene or what?

Cordelia: You don't like candles?

Ellen: I don't like being summoned from my bed in the middle of the night.

Cordelia: But the night is when creativity is in flower -- when things go "bump" and our imaginations soar!

Ellen: I thought someone from St. Martin's was going to interview me. I never would have agreed --

Cordelia: Let's get down to business, shall we? First question. Why didn't you make me the star of the series? Reviewers always call me the "sidekick." Gabby Hayes was a sidekick! You've given me the Thelma Ritter part!!!

Ellen: Calm down. I give you good scenes in every book.

Cordelia: But Jane gets top billing.

Ellen: It's an alphabetical thing. L comes before T.

Cordelia: (Narrows one eye) Is that true?

Ellen: I thought this interview was supposed to be about me. See, this is why I couldn't let you be the star, Cordelia. You'd take over. Before long, you'd be writing the books instead of me.

Cordelia: Would that be so bad?

Ellen: Not if people want to read romance -- heavy on the melodrama. You think writing a novel is easy? It's a juggling act. You have to keep pace, plot and character up in the air all the time. A popular fiction writer has to work hard and work fast. Be content with the place I've given you. You're the sizzle, kiddo. The salt. The pizzazz.

Cordelia: (Sullenly) While Jane is the content. The substance. The love interest. The intellectual sleuth.

Ellen: Don't pout, dear. It makes your face look puffy.

Cordelia: (Whips a mirror or out her desk drawer and gazes into it). You could have made me a little younger, you know.

Ellen: Look, you and Jane have aged four years since I started the series. I've aged twelve. I think that's a pretty good ratio.

Cordelia: (Pats the back of her hair, then puts the mirror away) Who do you see playing me in the movie?

Ellen: What movie?

Cordelia: I see Kathleen Turner. She'd have to gain a little weight, but she's got a great voice. Very sexy. Just like mine.

Ellen: She's already done a mystery. I prefer Camryn Manheim.

Cordelia: (Face lights up.) Hey, that's cool. Let's call her.

Ellen: Bette Midler has your attitude, but she's not very tall.

Cordelia: And not big enough. I'm a "Big & Tall" sized woman. More bang for your buck.

Ellen: Don't you want to know who I think should play Jane?

Cordelia: No. When do we start on the next book?

Ellen: Probably sometime in April or May.

Cordelia: Got a title?

Ellen: Well, it's tentatively entitled The Empress.

Cordelia: Finally! A book about my life!

Ellen: No, wait --

Cordelia: I demand a say over my wardrobe. I see...Alla Nazimova...1920's look. Deco mixed with lots of tall feathers and spangles. Slinky clothes and total femme drag to accentuate my full figure. The makeup will be particularly important. Dark red lips, I think. And a long cigarette holder.

Ellen: You don't smoke.

Cordelia: So? Your point is?

Ellen: Cordelia, I'm going home to bed. This interview is over.

Cordelia: (Continues to emote) We'll do a photo of me for the cover --

Cordelia Thorn in the Garden of Allah. Or maybe we should try an Egyptian motif. The budget on the next book had better be big! I want Busby Berkeley to do the dance numbers.

Ellen: He's dead.

Cordelia: No problem. I'll channel him!