The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

I am a twenty-seven-year-old man and I have a girlfriend. We have a good sex life, but lately, I've been noticing this guy in the office. He works in the mail room and I find myself very attracted to him and I constantly find myself fantasizing about having sex with him. Should I tell my girlfriend? Should I approach this guy? I'm not even sure he's gay or that I am? What should I do?

You are not gay. You are just a straight man who likes to have sex with men. Rest assured that there are many men like you. You might want to seek them out at truck stops on I-80 or in the financial district to form a support group. By all means, tell your girlfriend. Remember to describe every gory detail about how you want to scrape the shit out of your hunka-hunka fantasy man's asshole with your tongue. If she's not supportive of your fantasies, then she probably doesn't really love you. Your next step is to boldly approach this fantasy man. You must take control of your desires. He is probably gay because gay men tend to give out subconscious signals to the rest of the world that they are gay. This is called gaydar. Invent excuses to go to the mailroom, especially after work hours, invite him to the gym, or go to the office rest room and then make your move. Tell him what you want and more than likely he'll respond positively, unless, of course, you are a butt-fucking troll. But with your girlfriend and your fantasy man, always remember, communication is the key.

Yes. You are allergic to his semen. If he loves you, he will only ejaculate when you are out of the room, preferably when you are at work. But there are other options, too. You could have sex with your clothes on, and he can come on you when you are fully clothes. If you love him, this should not be a problem. You need not wear your good clothes. You could just go to some thrift store and buy clothes, preferably parkas, ponchos, and knitted bodysuits, for sex. And remember, communication is the key.

Me, me, me. Is that all you ever think of? Yourself? Well, the whole world just revolves around your fleshy butt, doesn't it? Isn't it enough that someone has taken the time out to poke you? All you can think is more, more, more, mememe. But who am I to judge; I am here to help your problems no matter how inane. You can solve this problem in a number of ways. You might try going ahead and cuddling and kissing him while he is asleep. If that is not satisfying, try letting him sleep for a few minutes then wake him up and demand snuggling. If that doesn't work, go to the kitchen and get a big knife, sit beside him on the bed, and wait till he wakes up (you may also wake him up yourself but the effect is not the same.) When he opens his eyes, brandish the knife, and shriek, "Would you like some pecan pie?" but slur and mumble the sentence so that it sounds like "Snuggle or die!" But oh hell, I can't lie to you anymore. He probably did use you, you slut. You two can overcome this by communicating. After all, communication is the key.

The other day, my best friend told me about his secret fetish. He likes to entertain and he will invite a few friends over for dinner and in the course of preparing the meal, he will masturbate and ejaculate into the sauce He likes to watch the unsuspecting guests eat his semen. I told him this was gross. But now, after the last party, one of his guests has become ill. Could his semen have anything to do with it?

Again, I must stress, communication is the key. You might want to buy my new book and tape, Communication is the Key: 15 Simple Lessons on Communicating ($24.95) to start with. It is unlikely that your friend's sick and twisted habit cause the illness considering the others seemed to be okay. However, ejaculating in sauces is not to be advised. Very often semen can cause the sauce to curdle up and turn. Ejaculate only on a low heat or on a simmer. If you are unsure, you should remove the pan from the fire before ejaculating. Also, be warned: Semen can react quite adversely with some spices such as dill and tarragon, and in some cases can turn these spices quite bitter. Also, chilies will bind to the little spermies and spot the sauce, making it hotter and less controllable (the sauce not the sperm.) Never serve semen with any fish or seafood. It is best kept to poultry.

I have a brother who is gay. He doesn't know that I know, that pretty much everyone knows it, even members of our family. I guess he just doesn't want to confront me with what he is. Should I tell him I know, or should I wait until he tells me?

Are you sure your brother is gay? He could be merely an effeminate straight man, or a straight man with gay characteristics like the propensity to suck cock and get fucked in the butt by hairy fat men. Once you are sure that your brother is gay, you should confront him with it. Pick a huge family gathering: Thanksgiving, Christmas, wedding, or a big dinner are best. You might want to spare him the embarrassment of having to admit to the family separately, so having him admit to everybody at once is best. During dinner, drop hints that you know: Point the turkey or chicken's ass at him and use the carving knife to diddle it in his face. Offer him a wine cooler. Talk about things that gay people enjoy, like celebrity gossip and home decorating. Then choose the right moment and say, "Alright! Everyone who's gay raise your hands!" Everyone will look at him and he'll know that everyone knows. Say supportive things like: "If I were male and not related to you, I'd suck your cock, too." Or "You have a cute butt, do you do any special exercises to keep it in shape?" It is so important that you communicate because communication is the key.

Sounds good, right? Now read some excerpts:

• Mongrel: Discover what people are saying about this funny new book.
• Chain Letter: Read this and good things will happen to you. Really.
• Q-Punk Grammar: What the older queers teach the younger, and vice versa.
• My Fissurectomy: Yes, it's about anal fissures.
• Death of the Castro: The center of gay life just isn't fun anymore.
• 20 Questions with the Author: Discover Justin Chin's guilty pleasures and favorite grrls.

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