The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

Q: Your life as an animated series -- more like King of the Hill, South Park, The Simpsons, or ... ?

A: It'll be more like Scooby Doo (pre-Scrappy who is an irritating little shit), with a little bit of South Park thrown in. ("I kick you in the nuts!"). I would love for it to be Josie and The Pussycats but that's just wishful thinking.

Photo by Charlie Bergengren.

Q: DID -- who would be your desert island doll (person you'd like most to be marooned with)? Why?

A: I always had this massive crush on Riki Rachtman after he cut his hair. He used to host MTV's Headbanger's Ball. He was the boy I always wanted to marry. But of course, I don't think Riki has too much in the way of survival skills and wouldn't do too well on a desert island, and then I'd left with his corpse -- not too exciting, I reckon. Actually, I'd love to be stranded with this guy I just met a while ago.... <sigh>.

[postscript: I was perplexed as to what to do with this said boy, so much so, I even called Sammi-the-Psychic on K101 -- Easily Listening/Lite Rock, Arbitron rated best for listening in the workplace, the greatest hits of the 80s and 90s -- right after they played that Donna Lewis-Richard Marx duet. She said it would work out. She lied. I have realized (sob) that he was simply not interested. Last night I had a dream where he hooked up with a friend of mine. I was really distressed and woke up really pissed off and sad.]

Q: You are the boy most likely to...what?

A: Play with your cat. Barbeque. Have his little heart ripped out of his body, tossed to the floor, stomped on, and fed to zoo animals. Do something stupid and obsessive for the sake of love. Regret. Forget to return your phone-call. Substitute ingredients in recipes. Spell and copy-edit really badly. Bitch and whine. Take a cab. Eat Spam.

Q: Work of art (any medium) that has profoundly influenced you? Explain.

A: Culture Club's Colour By Numbers (Needs no explanation!). Tracy Chapman's debut album, Joni Mitchell's Chalk Mark In The Rainstorm and Everything But The Girl's Idelwild, I listened to obsessively during my lost teenage years, waiting for that fast car to come take me away. Joni Mitchell. Eurythmics (taught me showmanship). The early Patti Smith albums (up until Dream of Life). Charlie's Angels. Picasso. Dadaists and surrealists. The Beats. Lots of writers -- too many to mention -- some I've outgrown, other's I still love.

Q: You're more of a dive queen or a diva? How so?

A: I'm too self-deprecating and full of doubt, shame and horror to be a diva. What's a dive queen?

Q: __________ makes me wanna holler and incite a riot.

A: Real riot or metaphoric internal riot? And is that riot like protest riot or good happy goofy riot? For protest riot: Injustice, prejudice, racism, modern-day colonialism, anti-immigration zealots, right-wingers and stupid politicos. For the happy beauty riot: good tattoos on a sweet man whose arms I'm wrapped in (awwwww ....). I am so not the hollering nor rioting kind. Well, at least not anymore.

Q: More important: beauty, brains, or balls?

A: We tend to forgive beautiful people so much. But of course, the trick is to have beauty and brains. But I will settle for good fried spam. Balls I can live without, metaphorically speaking of course.

Q: Confess: your guilty pleasure or most politically incorrect passion...

A: The Spice Girls. Straight porn. Happy Meals. Speaking in fake Chinky accents in airports. Eurodisco. Scratching at my anus in public. Boy porn full of spunk-shots. Hotel rooms. Maid service in the Third World. Ibuprofen. Sausages. Pork. Spam.

Q: Which art movement best represents your personality type: Fauve (Wild Beast), Fluxus, or Funk?

A: Fluxus. They were so naughty and had such fun.

Q: Do you have Prince Albert in a can...or...in your pants? If not, could you/would you (get such a piercing)?

A: I really really wanted a Prince Albert but then I keloid quite badly and didn't want to take a chance, and beside, I'm uncut and the few piercers I talked to did not know how the foreskin would affect the piercing and the healing. I've told everybody way too much now, haven't I.

Q: When it comes to love, you're more of a doggish boy slut or a maniacally monogamous nut?

A: I'm doggishly maniacally romantically monogamous for the RIGHT BOY. Otherwise, I'm the Whore of Eden.

Q: Create a thumbnail self portrait in 10 words or less...

A: Happy. Sneezy. Grumpy. Dopey. Sleepy. Bashful. Doc. Ectoplasmic.

Q: Sexual objectification (raunchy beefcake, baby) is: wrong, boring, or hours of bathroom fun?

A: Weeks of fun. More fun than Ants In Your Pants, Risk, Monopoly, or Boggle.

Q: Sexual attraction is all about ... (elaborate)

A: Pure unadulterated sexual objectification.

Q: Your own mod motto, favorite words-o-wisdom?

A: "Zappin' it to you, the pressure's everywhere, going right through you, the fever's in the air, (oh yeah, it's there), don't underestimate the power ofa lifetime ahead." "Eagle's calling and he's calling your name; Tides are turning bringing winds of change. Why do I feel this way? The promise of a new day! As through time the Earth moves under my feet, one step closer to make love complete, what has the final say? The promise of a new day!"

Q: Has anyone loved you for your pilgrim's soul?

A: Pilgrim soul? Have you been listening to Bruce Springsteen records again? I'm sure someone has loved me for my pilgrim soul, but I was unaware of it.

Q: Hobson's Choice: Would you rather be po' but proud or rich and sleazy?

A: I'll just marry someone rich and sleazy and spend his money on the po' and proud guy I'm having a torrid affair with. But po-proud won't have anything to do with it because he's proud and he wants me only on his own terms. Then I'd discover the diskette with rich-sleazy's tax records and find out that he's been evading taxes, and threaten to turn him in. Rich-sleazy hires a hitman to snuff me, but then po-proud saves me, and we'd have a car chase and the hitman will somehow manage to drive off the piers and into the murky depths of the San Francisco Bay. We turn the disk in and rich-sleazy is arrested, but in the shootout with the ATF, (who knew he had all those guns and was running them to North Korea? I thought it was just a wine celler!), he dies. And since he didn't dissolve our domestic partners' license. I inherit his wealth, which after taxes is still sizable. I ask po-proud to live with me, but he knows that if he stays, he will only get in my way, so he'll go but he'll be with me every step of the way. Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me.

Q: Your favorite grrrl? Why?

A: The Miss Universe Answer: My favourite grrrl is my mother, because she raised me and gave me my values and helped me understand how important saving the environment is for the next generation of underprivileged children of the world.

Q: A book you wouldn't choose to live without ...

A: It's a whole bookshelf. Off the top of my head, these are the authors and books that I love: Alice Munro, Jeanette Winterson, R. Zamora Linmark, Sarah Schulman, Patti Smith, Eliot Weinberger, Genet, Tennessee Williams, Enid Blyton's Enchanted Forest series, Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck comics, Salman Rushdie, Michael Ondaatje, Adam Mars-Jones. I'm probably leaving tons of people out. I had this weird dream about Adam Mars-Jones a while back: I had stowed away in his luggage, then I showed up at his front door with a rack of lamb and a sweater, and when he opened the door, I said, "I made these for you."

Q: If you ruled the world, what would the rules be?

A: Line up in an orderly single line to kiss my arse. It'll be like the Annabelle Chong gang-bang video, except the line would be to kiss my arse. Spam will be served in the intermission.

Sounds good, right? Now read some excerpts:

• Mongrel: Discover what people are saying about this funny new book.
• Chain Letter: Read this and good things will happen to you. Really.
• Q-Punk Grammar: What the older queers teach the younger, and vice versa.
• My Fissurectomy: Yes, it's about anal fissures.
• Death of the Castro: The center of gay life just isn't fun anymore.
• Don't Ask Isadora, Ask Me!: Scandalous questions, suspect advice.

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