A Husband Hunting Q&A

Advice from Patrick Price, Author or Husband Hunting Made Easy

Dear Marriage Maven / Husband Helper / (or just plain) Patrick:

I'm newly single after years of happy marriage with someone I felt confident I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Sure our sex life was a little routine but I knew that this was a common occurrence in longtime relationships. Little did I know, he was having an affair with Chad-the-poolboy and the next thing I knew he was in Belize with Chad and I am all alone with a very tastefully decorated townhouse. How do I get back into the dating scene after all these years away?

Signed,
Heartbroken (with Mikasa china for twelve)

Dear Heartbroken (with Mikasa china for twelve):

Instead of bitterly dwelling on past regrets, consider yourself years ahead of others new to the dating circuit. You've got plenty of domestic capital: a great home, fine dinnerware, a full set of European appliances, an aquatic retreat, and most importantly, knowledge of what you want (and never want to see again). This is your chance to start fresh with someone more deserving of your charms and abundant household skills. Don't let fresh insecurities hinder your second "coming out." With the right attitude and gusto, you can be a hero instead of the social pariah of a mid-life crisis. Let people admire your courage and prospects will naturally be drawn to you.

Just be careful not to fall for any gold-digging dimwits or carbon copies of your earlier marital faux pas. Not everyone attentive to you especially at this time of need -- gets to rest his head on your 350-count Egyptian cotton sheets. You're disappointed, not desperate. Pride can withstand a few quiet nights at home. Consider it a strategic retreat. Of course as soon as you're once again the king of attention, you might find the shamefaced ex attempting to crawl back home. Forget about it. Send your new boyfriend out to hail him a cab. And make a note that next time you're hiring the poolboy -- and she's going to be the cutest lesbian you can find.

The marriage maven, Patrick Price.

Dear Marriage Maven:

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for years and I want to settle down and move in with him but he's really shy. He won't go out in public with me, is too nervous to meet my friends, is too self-conscious to let me take a photo of him, and won't trust me with his home number. I know how paralyzing public events can be for shy people but as it is I only see him once a week -- 7:00-11:00 p.m. on Thursday when he comes over to my place. Even then he insists on sneaking through the back door. My friends don't really believe he exists. What do I do to help him through his shy phase?

Signed,
Confused but Concerned in Oshkosh

Dear Confused but Concerned in Oshkosh:

Let's get one thing clear. There's shy and there's "I'm hiding a big ol' secret from you." Open your eyes. You don't have a boyfriend; you have a regular delivery. And unlike your favorite TV show, you should be able to turn him on more than once a week. How can you anticipate settling down when you haven't even seen him in the daylight? Do you really know anything about this guy? No wonder your friends are suspicious. As I see it, we're looking at two possible scenarios. Either he's very famous or very married. Find the overlooked clue. Does a stretch limo drop him off for your playdates and his smiling twin routinely graces the cover of People? Perhaps he wears his grandmother's wedding band for "sentimental" reasons or sometimes calls you "Sarah" in bed? Of course he could just be terribly shy but who wants to date someone so neurotically secretive that a date with Snuffleupagus would leave more witnesses. Most likely he's some guy who tells his wife that he's off to "Thursday night's bowling league." Don't let him score again until you know what game you're playing.

Dear Marriage Maven:

I've just embarked on a new romance with a very talented, promising young man many years my junior. While I'm willing to work with him to smooth out some of those rough edges -- after all, he is extremely divine and therefore worth the effort -- I think he resents my helpful hints. As it is, he's not yet fit for polite company and probably only suited to basic menial labor -- say, poolboy -- and not really a fit escort for a man of my wealth and taste. How do I help him acquire the needed polish without resenting me or cutting him off?

Signed,
Concerned in Belize

Dear Concerned in Belize:

Here are some basic, hard-learned facts. Youth isn't transferable. Compatibility can't be bought or at least sustained. And sometimes those best to gaze at, aren't made for witty cocktail conversation. Surrounding yourself with youth fools no one. It's still as easy as spotting the teacher in a kindergarten class.

Nevertheless it's understandable why you would be drawn to this special creature. You see potential, promise, and the tightest backside. It's a noble calling. Unfortunately you risk finding beauty on an empty shell. And as pretty as it is to showcase, you'll be frustrated to discover how hollow it can be. No diligent aid will help.

You want to be a mentor not a drag. He'll only resent your unsolicited instruction. Give him the space to discover who he is not merely who you wish him to be. Maybe the real transformation needs to start with you. Set an example. Find something not someone you're interested in and do it. A cute aspiring protégé will follow -- someone who appreciates the scope of your talent as much as the width of the wallet.

Dear Husband Helper:

I've been, like, having this affair with this positively ancient geezer forever -- I mean like three months or something. At first it was great, he bought me all this cool stuff, he promised to get me started on my acting career, and he like really cared about what I thought and wanted to do with life. Now we're in some South American country -- which was really cool for the first week -- and all he does is go on about me speaking right, going to college, presenting the right image, and such. What is he talking about? I mean, it's better than being a poolboy but I am like so bored with it already. And so I've sneaking around with Eduardo, the lawn boy. How do I get Grandpa off my back without having to get a job at the local burger shack?

Signed,
Like Really Bored in Buh-leeze

Dear Like Really Bored in Buh-leeze:

When you date Santa, you have to remain a good boy if you expect to keep getting presents. Or more simply: it's okay to use but not abuse. There are limits to bad taste. Admittedly, life with a sugar daddy offers advantages: carefree accounting, an enviable address, a couture wardrobe, exotic paid trips, and the chance for escape after he falls asleep at 9:30PM. But it also carries some drawbacks: tiresome parties, uncomfortable antiques, a general feeling of ick, Viagra, and the knowledge that as soon as you sneak out, his prostate will wake him up.

Now if you're determined to keep as many perks as you can and keep your clothes on, here's an acting challenge for you. Become the "ideal son." Go platonic. You know, "Let's just be friends." But mean it. Don't just recall him when the bill arrives. Maintain a steady presence and you just might be able to hold onto some of those accustomed luxuries.

When he resists tell him he reminds you of your father -- or favorite cousin (if you're feeling kind) and that although your respect and admiration for him goes unmatched, anything more would feel incestuous. It might work. Or it might mean that the next new thing you'll be introduced to is minimum wage. Make your decision and lie with it.

A Husband Hunting Q&A

Advice from Patrick Price, Author or Husband Hunting Made Easy

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