Introduction

Boy Meets Boy On Dating:
An Introduction

From Boy Meets Boy

Dating.

Seldom has one word been so confusing, but in that it is sort of like the act itself, which often can seem like an alien, desert terrain where the ground(rules) shift suddenly with the wind.

Dating can mean so many contradictory things:

AVAILABILITY/PROMISCUITY
i.e., "I'm newly single and am dating again, playing the field until I find someone to settle down with."

GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE
i.e., "We've gone on two dates so far. He's sweet. I think I like him. Tonight he's cooking me dinner. This will be the clincher. Of course I'll call you and tell you how it goes. Tomorrow!" (wink, wink)

PASSING THE TIME
i.e., "We're just dating, it's not like we're married or anything."

EXCLUSIVITY (OR AT LEAST SOME DEGREE OF COMMITMENT)
i.e., "He and I had a little 'talk' last night and we're officially 'dating' now, and not simply regularly sharing spit."

There is confusion, as well, as to what exactly constitutes a "date." Dating can often seem to be the compulsory stuff one does to pass the time before jumping into the sack, so as not to seem base animals engaging their (hopefully mutual) lust. Does a meal or some other nonhorizontal activity have to take place, like going rollerblading in the park or to the movies?

What is the part of dating that is not sexual? Because men can certainly meet and have sex -- even regularly -- without anyone confusing their activity with dating. For many of us, it is some element of romance that is necessary -- although not all gay men ape the heterosexual "tradition" of going on at least three dates before having sex. In the gay world it is possible to go on your first "date" after already having had sex with someone, depending on where and how two men met. In fact, it is not uncommon for gay men to sleep together first and then decide, if they had enough of a good time, whether to continue seeing each other and begin to get to know each other better. At which point, one man might show up on the other's doorstep with flowers -- something bright and cheery like daisies or tulips, but not yet so serious as dozen red roses (let's not get ahead of ourselves now; however, a single red rose is acceptable).

There are so many unwritten rules and codes of dating behavior, like the bit about what flowers mean or imply above. But as gay men, we are quite familiar with all sorts of elaborately coded gestures and language, manners of dress and speech. These are by no means an exhaustive or fail-proof system, but they offer some clues that we have developed over the years to help men who may be interested in other men find one another. As gay men, we have already overthrown many of society's imperatives on how we are to behave sexually, and while we do sometimes use those heterosexual dating "rules" as a sort of crib sheet for how we should act in a given situation, we have our own traditions and customs as well. Given the lengths to which we will sometimes go to fall in love, pursue someone we think we are in love with, or simply to get laid, there is no rule too arcane to follow -- or so writ in stone it cannot be broken.

As confusing as all of this dating activity can be, it is one of the things which drives most gay men. The search for Mr. Right -- or Mr. Right Now -- preoccupies much of our social time. Most gay events or locales are designed to facilitate meeting one another -- that is often a (if not the) primary reason for many of the men who show up there. Even when in a relationship, many gay men still keep their options open, or are allowed by their partners to indulge a wandering eye. It all depends on the men involved; an open relationship has saved many a couple I know, while at the same time it has ruined its share of once-happy partners.

Boy Meets Boy tells the stories of some memorable dating moments in the lives of an array of different gay men -- some of whom write habitually and others for whom this is their first publication. These are anecdotes by men who are aware that they are dating, or trying to date, or at least thinking about dating and the absurdity it can sometimes take on. Because sometimes, in the heat of the moment -- as you'll read shortly -- we can say or do things which in hindsight seem risible, incredible, or even beyond the pale.