The Author's Introduction

Finding Your Leading Man

Introduction

The Author's Introduction

Excerpts:

"Finding Your Inner Male"

"The Party Boy"

"Male Matchmaking"

"Party Boy and Therapy Junkie"

"Introduction"
to Finding Your Leading Man

By Jon P. Bloch, Ph.D.

News flash: gay men are men.

Men and women are different. How many millions of times have you heard someone say this? And we all know what it means. Women want intimacy, men want instant gratification. Women want men to open up emotionally, and men want to do this about as much as they want to experience adult circumcision without anesthesia.

But what if you’re lesbian or gay? Do lesbians also seek intimacy? Do gay men also try to avoid it? The lesbian question I’ll leave to someone better qualified to answer. But I am here to tell you that gay men are…well, men. And as men, we often find it difficult (to put it mildly) to be intimate with another person.

A lot of books have been written on the subject of how gay men can find that Special Someone. And many of them have worthwhile suggestions. But most of them assume that as a gay man you’re totally ready for intimacy. It’s only a matter of meeting the right guy, and then playing your cards just so.

But it gets more complicated than that, doesn’t it? Sometimes you meet a special guy, and you do all the "right things." And for two weeks here or six months there, you think you’re onto something. Maybe you even move in together. But we all know what happens next: "It just didn’t work out." "The chemistry just wasn’t right." "He wasn’t giving me enough space." "I wasn’t giving him enough space."

And so on.

Why do so many gay men want intimacy yet shy away from it? Some say it has to do with growing up in an antigay society. And certainly that’s part of it. Sometimes I’m amazed that most of us gay guys turn out as well as we do. Yet studies show that lesbian relationships often are more stable than straight ones. So maybe it has more to do with being male. Maybe it isn’t our gay genes so much as our male Levi’s.

Are men and women born different? Some say yes, some say no. But certainly we’re taught to be different. From the moment of birth, boy babies and girl babies are not only dressed in different colors. Boys are taught to be independent. To take action. To set aside their feelings for "more important" goals. Girls are taught to need other people. To nurture. To express themselves emotionally.

Of course, no one learns these lessons to perfection. Straight or gay, males and females occasionally break the rules and act like the other sex. However, straight or gay, males and females also learn to conform to many of the expectations set before them. As a gay man, you obviously didn’t do everything you were taught about how to be male. But you probably do many things very much like the way a straight man would. Studies show that gay men sometimes are more like women than like straight men. But overall, gay men still are more like straight men than they are like women.

I’m not saying we’re exactly the same as straight men. Our fear of intimacy is different in two important ways:

Gay male partnering is man-to-man. You might be thinking, "Well, duh!" But in a funny way, we forget this when we’re dating. You may think that you’re Barbie to his Ken. But to him, you’re the Ken. Why? Because in more ways than you realize, you act like Ken. I have a news flash for you and hope you’re sitting down: When the relationship fails, it’s not all his fault. You, my friend, are also to blame. You, amigo, also fear intimacy. You, mine kinsman, are also hard to get to know.

Humming a show tune or thinking boxing is icky doth not a nonmale make. If you don’t believe me, try this simple experiment. Make a list of all the guys that wrote you off in their guy-type way. Now make a list of all the guys that you avoided because of false pride, fear of rejection, or because he called you twice in a row so you felt "suffocated." I’ll bet that second list is not exactly short. (I know mine isn’t.)

"There’s no way to tell if a man is gay." "A gay man can be just as masculine as a straight man." "I’m a regular guy who just happens to be gay." We hear these statements all the time. And the thing is, they’re true. That’s the good news. But it’s also the bad news. As a gay man myself, I’ve had to deal with the fact that I’m attracted to men. I don’t just mean all the homophobic crap. What I mean is, I’m attracted to men. You remember? — those creatures who keep busy all the time to avoid their feelings. The ones whose pride and ego trips prevent them from connecting emotionally. The ones who want a quick sexual fix. The ones afraid of closeness and commitment. However…

Unlike straight men, gay men hide their fear of intimacy. Straight men actually brag about how much they don’t want to get close to people. "Make my day," says Clint, blasting the other guy with bullets. Talk about avoiding intimacy. "Hasta la vista," says Arnold, to similar end. But we gay guys grow up learning to disguise who we are and what we want. It’s too bad the CIA doesn’t like to hire gays, because your average gay man is a natural secret agent who effortlessly conceals a hundred different mysteries at once. The problem is, we’re too good at keeping secrets. We’re overly cautious when it comes to trusting others.

Who can forget the story of Red Riding Hood, especially the part where Wolfie does drag? Well, in a way, that’s what a gay man does. He may seem "sensitive" and "in touch with his feminine side." But he sure is good at saying, "Hasta la vista," isn’t he? He can growl and bite with the best of them. Just think about the last guy you dated, and what you thought he was like at first, versus what you knew he was like after two weeks or six months or whatever.

As a gay man, you’ve learned to hide your fear of intimacy behind a performance you give to the outside world. And just like that movie star you always wanted to be, you’re a good actor. IF they gave out Oscars for acting in the real world, you would probably have won a few by now. C’mon, admit it. Don’t be modest.

In fact, there’s a whole series of performances that gay men feature, each with its own personality traits and bedroom behavior. Sort of like having an astrological sign. I call it a gay man’s Winning Typecast Appearance — OWTA, for short.

• It’s Oscar-Winning because you know how to give a good performance.
• But you’re Typecast in this role. You know what "typecast" means — someone becomes so strongly identified with one performance, they never get to play something different. Yes, it even happens to Oscar winners. Look at Liza Minnelli after Cabaret. Look at Louise Fletcher after Cuckoo’s Nest. Being typecast in the real world means that you’re so good at this one shtick that you never break free of it.
• So this Appearance that you adopt for the outside world is just that — it’s a show, a disguise, aimed at keeping people from getting too close.

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