[Fiction]

From Chapter Ten of The Necessary Hunger

By Nina Revoyr

I'd been to the beach at night many times. It was a popular spot for drinking, for long talks, or for just hanging out, the cheapest entertainment in Los Angeles. It was also a prime spot for serious window steaming, especially for a lot of the gay girls we knew, who couldn't bring their lovers into their homes. The beach was a place we'd come to think of as our own. With a high school social scene that didn't acknowledge our existence and a basketball scene dominated by gossiping straight girls, a space to claim for ourselves was both valuable and necessary. As Raina and I trudged along in the cold sand, I thought of how amazing it was that we'd all managed to find each other. My entry into the gay basketball community had begun with my coming out to a AAU teammate during my sophomore year; she'd then informed me, to my surprise, that some other people I knew were also in the family. I contacted them, or they me, and so on, until I'd become a regular part of that undercover network which had finally led me to Raina.

Raina reached the end of the soft sand and stepped onto the wet sand packed hard by the surf. She picked up a small rock and threw it sidearm into the ocean. "God, I can't wait to get outta here," she said.

I hugged myself and said nothing. I wondered what other people heard in her voice. It was medium-pitched and clear, but also, I thought, a bit hesitant, as if she didn't quite trust it to convey the subtleties of her thoughts.

She continued. "I can't wait to get my scholarship, my diploma, my plane ticket, and just get the hell outta here. I feel like one of those horses at the starting gate, you know? All itching to go, but held back by some stupid gate I got no control over." Another rock flew out over the ocean. Raina stared straight ahead. I remember wanting, then, to stand apart so I could watch her, but also to enter her mind, her consciousness, to see what she was seeing.

"I just wanna get . . . started ," she said.

"Started on what?"

"I don't know. Life."

"This ain't life?"

She glanced at me, annoyed. "You know what I mean."

I looked down at my feet, wondering at this outburst. The way Raina was talking, you'd have thought we lived in some small town in the country and not in the huge metropolis which was our home. But I knew what she meant. She was choking in L.A., the walls were closing in, and the first impulse you have when you're feeling claustrophobic is simply to get yourself out . Maybe later, when she had breathed awhile, she'd come back into the city, as both of our parents had done, but for now she just wanted to taste the air on the outside. I'd be leaving in a few months, too, and I did want to go to college, but I felt less eager to get out of Los Angeles than Raina did. Not just because I loved it -- we all loved it, really -- but because I was afraid of what came next

A wave broke thirty feet offshore, curled into itself and rushed forth again, sent fingers of water shooting up the sand. A muscle in her cheek twitched and her eyes shone, either because they were reflecting the light of the moon, or because they were filled with tears. There'd been one other time I'd stood with Raina at water's edge, by the duck pond at Blue Star a year and a half before. I had thought I had loved her then, although I couldn't have; I didn't know her. But something of signifcance did happen that day. Maybe I understood that I would know her eventually. Or maybe once you decide to love someone, you'll love her, no matter who she turns out to be.

"But the point is," she began again, "you're the only person you got. You're the only one you can depend on, you know what I'm sayin? I mean, maybe this doesn't happen with other people, but I've always thought I was gonna end up being alone. I've always known that. I got someone now, and maybe I'll have someone after her, but sooner or later it's just gonna be me. That's O.K., though. As long as I know better than to depend on other people. You gotta learn to count on yourself, you know? Because who the hell else you gonna count on? Who the hell else is gonna be there for you?"

She stared out over the water and pressed her fists against her thighs. There was such an intense look on her face that I thought she saw something, but if she did, it was nothing that was there in front of her. The third-quarter moon lit her eyes, and made them look soft despite the expression she wore, which was hard, hurt, frustrated. For the first time, it occurred to me that Raina had been wounded, irrevocably damaged, and that this damage had something to do with why she pushed herself so hard. I didn't know what might have caused such damage -- her father was surely a part of it, but only a part. And I didn't know what kind of achievement could make her feel complete, or if she'd ever let anyone help. Her last question, asked of no one, still echoed in my mind. I'd be there for you, I thought to myself. I'd always be there for you.

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