The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

How to Get Rid of Him
From Queer Astrology for Men

By Jill Dearman

What's Your Sign?

Aries	Leo	Sagittarius
Taurus	Virgo	Capricorn
Gemini	Libra	Aquarius
Cancer	Scorpio	Pisces

Aries

So it was a fun ride while it lasted but now you're ready to say adios to your hot but unevolved Aries lover? Well, how shall we do this? He's blunt, so you might as well be. Mr. Aries would rather be let down like a ton of bricks and know how you honestly feel than to be led on and pushed away gently. He is a force of nature, and like the disco anthem that he is sure to play twenty-four/seven after you dump him... he will survive!

But if you are too weak-willed to do the dirty deed in the above manner, try this for plan B: get him to do the dumping first. How, Jill darling, how, you ask? You can take two separate but equally effective approaches. You can challenge every single thing he says. Mr. Aries likes to rule the roost and run his own affairs, like a man, a real man, baby. And real men don't like to be told what to do. Start questioning all his choices, and acting like his mother, not his lover. Boss him around for a change. And I don't mean once in a while as a kind of foreplay. I mean constantly. He won't be able to take it. He'll crack and run out with nothing but the clothes on his back and never look behind him. And you can go back to your quiet, orderly little world, with no Aries around to make lots of noise and state the obvious regularly.

If being bossy is not your style, be boring. He needs a high dose of excitement in his daily life, and if you don't give him enough, he will find it elsewhere. And he won't even leave you a "Dear John"... I'm sorry... "Dear Mary" letter before he goes.

Taurus

Breaking up with a Taurus is not easy. First of all, even if you feel trapped and oppressed by him, he has probably become such a fixture in your life that you may find it heartbreaking to leave the big lug. And realistically, it's probably his apartment, his friends, and his way of life that you are going to say good-bye too, and you may just miss that stuff along with the dear and demanding Bull himself.

But if your mind is made up, then you've got your work cut out for you. Here's the sneaky and immature method first (oh, I know you would never stoop to it, but... )

Become wildly erratic. Come home at all hours, move his furniture around. Cook for him. And cook all the things he hates. If you can find new things to cook for him that he has never eaten before but that you are sure he will despise, I can virtually guarantee that he will dump you like a hot potato... oh, I forgot, he loves potatoes... well, you know what I mean, darling.

If you've been involved with your Taurus man for a while and really don't want to hurt him horribly, here's the compassionate approach.

First, be honest. He's strong and he can take it, even if breaking up is not what he wants. Honestly, these boys are meant to be in relationships, so I can tell you now... don't cry too many tears for him... he will replace you with a new and improved model within the year. So after you've dropped the bomb on him, try to develop new, transitional routines to take you both through that awkward stage, after you are "over" but before your new and separate lives have begun. If he's used to seeing you every day, wean him off you. See him for dinner once a week for a while. And stay consistent. That means same time, same night of the week, same place.

And when it's all finally over, make sure it's amicable, because I guarantee you will be knocking on his door someday in the future to borrow money.

Gemini

Rule number one: don't treat him like a fool. It always sucks to be dumped, and he's played both roles -- dumper and dumpee -- many times. So he can handle it. But don't you dare take the avoidant route with him. Say what's on your mind. He's a talker and will probably want to "work it through." But if the fire is out, don't worry too much about him. He's got plenty of friends to dish you with, and he'll secretly be happy on some level to have the chance to experience someone newer and more interesting than you. Now do you feel as if you've just been dumped?

Cancer

Well, you could move to another state and change your name. Not because he'll follow you and hunt you down (unless you count the first eighteen months after your breakup.) No. You should move because you may not have any friends or family left. They aren't about to give up going to his house on Thursday nights for his famous eggplant lasagna with homemade death-by-chocolate cheesecake for dessert. Please, Mary! Be realistic!

If you are really sure you want out of this union, and you don't want to leave town, here's what you could do. Start treating him like a roommate, not a lover. Be nice, but not nice enough to give him the nooky he needs. Then introduce him to a new "friend." You know what he likes. You say his idea man is a cross between Tom Cruise, Larry Kramer, and Nancy ("Jo" from The Facts of Life) McKeon? Well, you go out and find that guy and make sure he ingratiates himself to your man. The only way to get rid of him is if you set it up so that he has a man to go to next. Let the new "Mrs. Cancer" provide the shoulder for your soon-to-be ex to cry on, over you.

Be kind but firm when you tell him it's over, 'cause he has a way of appealing to your innermost needs and insecurities. The man does not let go easily (even if you've only been going out for two weeks!) Good luck, my friend. And remember, there are lots of nice places to live in Bosnia.

Leo

The Leo man is so proud that getting rid of him is not really that hard, in the practical sense. If you tell him you no longer feel for him the way you did when you first fell in love, and if you let him see that for you the dream is dead, he will not put up a fight. But you had better be bloody sure you want out before you make any grand proclamations. Mr. Leo's supportive friends and family members are already lining up to tear you apart, dearie. He's loyal and is surrounded by loyal people who turn into mad dogs when he's been hurt.

Of course, even if he takes your "It's not you, it's me" speech well, and even agrees that the relationship is over, he'll still stalk you a bit. Not physically (like a Scorpio) or psychically (like a Pisces.) No, this fire sign will simply get all his little cronies to track your every move and report back to him. In addition, you will be kept up-to-date (in mysterious ways) about his latest comings and goings, which are bound to be grand and fabulous. You see, Leo men can be gotten rid of, but they will not simply fade away.

Virgo

When Mr. Virgo believes he is no longer needed or useful, he will go. If you've been with him awhile, you have probably grown accustomed to relying on him: to pick up milk (real for you, soy for him) on his way home from work, and to give you the foot massage that makes everything seem right with the world. Once you decline his offers of assistance, he will exhibit signs of depression, and from that point on it's just a matter of time. He may leave dump you first. Quietly and without making a big fuss. He may be relieved to go back to his lonely but somehow comforting bachelor life.

Of course some will not go without a fight. He may be the type that needs your help more than he will ever admit. If that's the case, be kind, for God's sake. Help him to find his way in the world without you. Help him to find a new routine. Be a friend to him. And then, once he is on his way, disappear, lie low for a while, and change your phone number, 'cause he is the stalker type.

Libra

He's pretty thin-skinned and loves the illusion of "perfection," so if you point out all the things that you hate about your relationship, you can pretty much kiss him good-bye. He could easily turn the tables on you, though, and pick up the first handsome stranger (or more likely, your best friend) and start a new relationship before you've even talked about moving out. The guy just can't bear to be alone.

Even if he's a more evolved type, he really does hate to be alone. So if you go out with your friends a lot and leave him home to eat by himself, talk to himself, and whack off by himself, he will begin plotting how to leave you without looking like "the bad guy."

If you want to be less obvious, you could simply fuck with his sense of order and harmony. He loves to eat by candlelight with Miles Davis playing softly in the background. Well, I guess it's time for take-out burritos seven nights a week with heavy-metal accompaniment. And while you're at it, rearrange his closet and leave his sexy velvet pants on the floor for the cat to nest on.

You can also pick on his real weak spot: his personal appearance. If you jab at him for his love handles, he will eventually use your credit card to buy some nice liposuction (it's too much work to go to a gym), get trim and toned, and go out and find a boyfriend who is cuter and richer than you are. You just can't win!

Scorpio

This is truly a daunting task if he doesn't want to go. First of all, he is a fixed sign, which means that once attached, he stays attached. And he's a water sign, which means his emotions run deep, much deeper than they seem even (and they probably seem as if they go twenty thousand leagues under the sea!) So if you think he'll be easy to say good-bye to, forget it. He'll go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bullying, begging, and then totally wiping you out of his life. Blaming yourself is your only choice (unless, of course, he's one of the Scorpio addict types who need a program or a good shrink more than they need you), as he will surely attack you if you don't. So cop a plea and beg for the mercy of the court when it comes to setting a penalty.

Of course the other approach is that of slow torture. It's a little like the classic film Gaslight (if you're a Virgo like Charles Boyer, you should be able to pull it off easily.) You just play with his head, pull away, treat him as if he's crazy, and when he calls you on it, change the facts on him. You may be able to truly convince him that either (a) he's going crazy or (b) you are the cause of all his angst. Either way, he's likely to take off eventually when he realizes that you are not going to change or acknowledge the strangeness of the situation. But if you are thinking of leaving him, then you must already know what it's like to be with him: a minefield. So I advise you to step very carefully or else all your well-laid plans could blow right up in your face.

Sagittarius

Force him to sign a legally binding contract (or at least one based on five parts Jewish guilt and five parts Catholic), and demand that he stick to it. Make sure he feels obligated to spend every waking moment with you, and then don't talk to him except to whine or nag. This fella hates to feel constricted, so if you box him in, he will find a way out. He's rather Houdini-esque that way.

You can also make a big deal about fidelity and brainwash him into being true to you, while you skirt around all over town. Of course, if you do this, you may find yourself in a morally ambiguous position, which Mr. Sag will be sure to preach to you about.

If you want to take the high road, then work as hard as you can to work it out with this well-meaning but often infuriating and wonderful man. If it's over, it's over, but be sure you promise to stay friends, and mean it. He holds friendship up to a much higher standard than romantic love.

Capricorn

Spend his money extravagantly. He'll love that. Quit your job. Go on the dole. You get the picture. All these things will make you pretty darn repugnant to him. If nothing you do makes him want to leave, then honesty is probably the best policy. Let him know it's over in no uncertain terms, as this is a guy who needs to know the bottom line. If you care about him and want to be kind, then keep in secret contact with his friends and make sure they are taking good care of him. He can be a tragic figure when he's in mourning. He may either throw himself completely and totally into work or forget to get out of bed and get dressed for weeks on end. Make sure he's in good hands -- and leave him with a comfortable settlement. Even during the depths of his depression he can summon up the strength to say, "The couch is mine."

Aquarius

Argue with him regularly and refuse to listen to reason. Throw his "being contrary for the sake of being contrary" routine right back at him, but do it in a personal way. Invade his space, and above all, keep a closed mind.

Is he gone yet? I thought so.

If you want to get rid of him without being sadistic and cruel, you can tell him the truth: you'd rather be friends than lovers. He makes a great friend, and even if he's hurt at first, he will probably be the "bigger person" (he loves that!) and will come around to share platonic love, or at least "like," with you, later on down the road.

And since he's such a fantastic friend, you, my friend, will undoubtedly change your mind and will want to be his lover again. Too late!

Pisces

This is a tough one because Pisces men are so genuinely masochistic that if you are mean or cold to him, he will probably grow that much more attached t o you. Of course, you could be mean to everyone else: his mother, his friends, his dog. He is protective of everyone he loves and is super in touch with their vulnerabilities, so if you bully "the weak," he will surely come to their defense and give you hell.

Of course, if you want to end your affair on a nice note, you could do that in a couple of ways. The more simple and honest way is to tell him that it's over, that your decision is final, but that he will always have an ally and friend in you... and mean it, sweetie. Keep up the "platonic" boundaries, though, because he has no problem sleeping with and falling in love with his friends and misconstruing this as a "relationship."

The other thing you could do is to write him a long, romantic letter and leave it behind, after you take all your things to leave town. Include lots of sentiments that make absolutely not sense, like "It is my great love for you that has inspired me to explore my own ability to love, in another place, at another time." Mr. Pisces has such a convoluted psyche that all this will probably seem completely logical to him. And he'll always keep a candle burning for you. Just be careful, though, since he does practice the art of magic and the art of stalking. And he's superpsychic, sweetie: he will find you.


Copyright © 1999 Jill Dearman.


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