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How to Get Rid of Her
From Queer Astrology for Women

By Jill Dearman

What's Your Sign?

Aries	Leo	Sagittarius
Taurus	Virgo	Capricorn
Gemini	Libra	Aquarius
Cancer	Scorpio	Pisces

Aries

So you've given it your best shot and it just isn't working, and you want to know how to say good-bye to Ms. Aries? Well, first of all, as we all know... lesbians never really say good-bye, we just end up dating someone closely connected to our ex, then end up being friends with the dreaded former lover anyway. But, if you no longer want a romance with an Aires, it's relatively easy to pull out. Take a note from a song by our sisters the Pet Shop Boys and be boring. Boredom is the death knell in a relationship for an Aries woman. Without a sense of excitement and thrills, she is more than likely to leave you. She can't stand being in a rut. So if you just keep things moving at a snail's pace, into the kind of predictability she can set her underwater, James Bond-style watch to, then you can breathe a sigh of relief as you watch her slam the door on her way out.

Another surefire way to end this relationship without risking life and limb is to ignore her. Just like her fire-sign sisters (Sagittarius and especially Leo), she needs a lot of attention. And I mean a lot! So if you stop giving her her fair share, she won't stick around for long. And luckily, the Aries woman is queen of the clean break. She won't sit around and process the way her Aquarius sisters will, nor will she obsess in Scorpio style. When it's over, it's over. And if she senses it's over for you, she won't stick around for the funeral services.

Taurus

You have got to be kidding! There's no easy way to leave a Taurus woman, especially of the dyke persuasion. Honey, when this girl gets attached, she just doesn't stop loving. You're stuck. So if you must go, be firm but gentle. She'll drag you to couples counseling for years before she can say good-bye. If she's of the unevolved sort, she might bail out on you first, with a girl who seduces her with a feast for the sense. You know what an animal she can be! But if it's over for you and it's still on for her, the best way to break it off is to be absolutely honest. If you're not sure you want to break up, she will find a way to hold you to her... whether it's through her great cooking or great loving... and hey, come to think of it, you may decide to stick around.

Gemini

Want to lose a Gemini fast? That's easy. Get set in your ways. Tell the same story she's heard a million times from you a million more... and add some excruciatingly tedious details. Refuse to indulge her fondness for fascinating trivia. Take her crossword puzzle and do it for her... wrong... in ink!

Insist that she drop everything else she's doing to look at you and pay attention to you...all the time. She is easy to drive crazy because she needs so much stimulation. She won't notice (or acknowledge) how boring you are becoming -- at first -- because she will probably entertain herself. But if you demand more of her attention so that she craves her own space, you can pretty much kiss her good-bye. All this sounds terribly sadistic, doesn't it? Unless you have really grown to hate her, there is a better way. She actually can take "just being friends." And the end of one relationship -- with you -- could actually come as relief to her, a pleasant trapdoor. That way she can move on to new stimuli.

Cancer

This ain't easy, baby. Like her symbol, the Crab, the Cancer woman does not let go easily. Once you are her lover, she views you like family and will probably always feel attached to you. Don't you dare mistreat her, because she probably has many loved ones who protect her as fiercely as she protects everyone else. And besides, she's got that masochistic streak that makes her get a perverse thrill and satisfaction over being hurt, and making you feel guilty. So what to do?

You've got two options. Because a relationship with a Cancer (whether you've tied the knot or not) is like a marriage, you had better treat it like one. You can go to couples counseling and get a third party to help you communicate. Perhaps this person can help her to understand why you want to go (she won't, but she may learn to let you go a little bit), or you can make a clean break.

Please don't be a cad and pull the old "I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes (or a bag of Kitty Litter)" and never come back routine. She'll have your mother sitting with her and holding her hand, worrying, before you've made it past the border. And you may have the sinking suspicion that your mom prefers your Cancer mate to you. She does. No, there is only one way to break it off with a Cancer. The hard way.

Leo

Although this woman does like to play for keeps, getting her out of your life, if you are really out of love with her, is not so hard. She won't stay where she's not wanted. That is not her style. So if your feelings have really changed, if your heart is no longer in it, you should not string her along or be indirect about how you feel. She will go if the romance is gone.

But, dear lesbian reader, it's probably going to be more complicated than that, particularly if you still like her but aren't sure if you still love her. You will want to stay friends, but she is too proud (and too beloved by her true friends) to settle for life on the faraway planet Platonica. Grow up and give her the chance to decide. Even when you're breaking up, remember, she is the one in charge.

Virgo

This is tricky. But the key to losing a Virgo dyke it so let her know gently but clearly that you do not need her anymore. If she feels that she is no longer useful to you, she will probably gracefully pull out. But how will you live with the guilt? Because Ms. Virgo will still offer her friendship and her help "if you are ever in need." And she means it. And if you have been with her for a while, you may have trouble making the break because your routines are so enmeshed with hers. We all know how overused the term co-dependent has become, but it is a herstorical fact that the first Virgo lesbian and her lover originated the condition.

Another way to end the romance if it has soured for you is to let her know that the relationship is holding you back from growing. Your health is her top priority, so this may work.

Or life may throw you the curve that allows you to say sayonara to her. If you have to travel all around the world, she may be too enmeshed in her work on the home front to join you.

But chances are that even if you call it quits, it will be you who calls her a few months down the road, when you're panicking about your upcoming root canal or the presentation on the history of garter belts from a feminist perspective you have to give. You'll see that she's done it... she's made you completely dependent on her. Now hang your head in shame and call her.

Libra

Stop paying attention to your appearance. Stop paying attention to hers. Refuse to do anything cultural with her. Boycott the theater, museums, and concert halls. Become one with the television and nothing else. Stop flirting with her. The Libra woman is extremely sensitive and knows if you are just treating her like a piece of the furniture, and she is too dignified to take it. Still, she may manipulate you into leaving first... or she may just go out for a facial and never come back. Just remember that, although she hates to be alone and sometimes desperately pines for a partner, she wants a lover, not just an "other half." So once the romance is gone, so is she.

Some Libra gals can be incredibly indecisive and needy, though. She may want to use you as her mock-girlfriend even when it's over. So you may not be able to get rid of her completely. She needs someone in the interim to go out with, until she gets involved with her next lover.

Scorpio

You may have to leave the country, or at least have plastic surgery to give yourself a new identity. If you are planning on ending a relationship with her, your life may be in danger. You really only have one option: take all the blame and throw yourself on the mercy of her court. Tell her you are not good enough for her and never sway from that line of defense. If you attack her, she will attack back with double force. If you wait and try to bore her to tears, or try to make her angry enough to leave you, she may insist that you both go to couples counseling, for a long time. She likes to delve deep, remember? She also likes to rehash the past. Never a pleasant experience, especially when she believes she has no future with you. Why should she hold back? Plead insanity or grovel at her feet and get a good lawyer and a good bodyguard. If you get involved with someone shortly after your breakup, both your lives may be in danger.

Sagittarius

The Sagittarius dyke values her freedom above all else, so if you make her feel as if the world is getting smaller, she will probably take off before your "can we still be friends" speech hits the presses. And she will certainly want to stay friends -- if she has the time. You see, the Sag woman is capable of jumping into a new experience before you are, ahem, cold in your grave. However, if you both want to be friends, there shouldn't be a problem. She's too free-spirited to hold a grudge. But you should be warned, Ms. Sag has a habit of sharing embarrassing things that you would rather remain private -- in public. So don't be surprised if she's let a roomful of acquaintances know that you used to like to go to bed with acne cream on and an old pair of shorts that showed off your ever-expanding thighs. And what can you say unless you want to seem like a bad sport? She really means no harm, but perhaps she has unconsciously picked up some of the less than noble traits of her predecessors. That scathing tongue does sound just like a Scorpio, doesn't it? And that innocent-sounding "I was just joking. Why are you angry? I'm not angry" is awfully Libra-esque.

All right. So now you have been warned. There are no secrets with the Sagittarius woman, especially when it's over.

Capricorn

Doable but difficult. The same way you would probably describe her. She won't degrade herself to keep you, and she probably won't even show you how miserable she is feeling -- or how angry. But believe me, somewhere right now she is quietly seething. The main question to ask yourself is this: How can you get romantically disentangled with her and make sure that she comes out looking as dignified as possible?

And remember, she can be stoic, especially when it comes to her deepest feelings. The more upset she is, the less she wills how. So may have to put a lot of feelings out there. Admit what a heel you are and allow her to be the "good guy." She does love to be a martyr, and what greater cause than love?

But know that she is not going to be your friend in any real sense when all is said and done. She plays by her own mysterious but serious rules, and the main thing to know is that she will not want to be reminded of her unrequited love. Besides, she's a keen businesswoman and knows when to cut her losses.

Aquarius

Well, most women you can get rid of by pulling away from, but Ms. Aquarius will pack her bags soon after you start invading her personal space and drowning her in too much nonstop and irrational, illogical emotion. Ms. Aquarius hates to feel trapped, so if you slowly take away all her freedoms, you will be watching her back walk out the door faster than you can sing "This is the dawning of the... "

Tell her she's spending too much time with her friends and should only be socializing with you. And then when you're together, bore her by either agreeing with everything she says or giving closed-minded opinions without even trying to defend your nonsensical point of view.

Invade her head space and her physical space. This is something all air signs adore (ha!). Insist on having absolutely predictable sex.

Of course the easier way out is to simply fall back on the friendship. Ms. A. values friends above almost everything else (even lovers), so you may end up with an even better relationships once you've called it quits. It has something to do with the ideal of platonic love.

Pisces

Getting rid of Ms. Pisces is not going to be easy. She's a hanger-on. Once she's attached, she doesn't unattach well, unless of course she falls for somebody else. That's really the way to get rid of her, and chances are she will get rid of you first if she falls for another dame. I'm not saying she's disloyal. It's just that if your relationship is dead or dying, she will start putting out those Human League "Don't You Want Me?" vibes to some other chickie.

Of course if there's no other gal in sight, you may have to take the long way out of your relationship. Go to counseling. Hash it all out. Stop rolling your eyes and have a heart, will you! After all, Pisces women carry around many lifetimes of wounds (I told you she was an old soul), and you don't want to be just another scar, do you? There's a right way to end a relationship and a wrong way. With Ms. P. you should let her down gently and with compassion and let her know that it wasn't anything she did. She has a strong masochistic streak and may secretly blame herself for years. But don't worry about her spending too many teary nights alone. This woman is never on her own for long. Remember how easily you fell for her?

Copyright © 1999 Jill Dearman.

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