The Mostly Unfabulous Homepage of Ethan Green

What's Your Sign?

Aries	Leo	Sagittarius
Taurus	Virgo	Capricorn
Gemini	Libra	Aquarius
Cancer	Scorpio	Pisces

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Element: Fire
Mode: Cardinal
Ruling Planet: Mars
Erogenous Zones: Head, face
Best Traits: Courage under fire, personal integrity, her forcefulness
Worst Traits: Selfish! Bossy! Her forcefulness (when you're not in the mood)

In Life:
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac and often thought of as the "infant." Her favorite word is me, and she is likely to act first and think later. Look up the word butch in the dictionary and you will find a picture of an Aries dyke. (That's her in the ankle-length leather coat with nothing underneath.) Yes, she's a tough, forceful woman, but you know what her greatest asset is? She is completely unjaded. She has a certain childlike enthusiasm that she brings to everything she does. She's fearless and pioneering, great at starting things, not so great at finishing them. The Aries woman is exciting to be around. She just crackles with energy. When she's feeling down, all you have to do is remind her of how cool and powerful she is and she'll perk right up. Her ego can be her Achilles' heel, but it is also one of her great strengths.

Aries women are great leaders, and great athletes. If a job demands great physical and mental courage, you can expect Aries to be on the front lines. Whatever field she is in, from firefighter to football player, she is a true pioneer. She takes risks before it is fashionable to do so.

Of course, the annoying thing about Ms. Aries is that her ego needs constant propping up. She needs a lot of attention and regular reminders that she is number one: in the sack, at the office, on the sports field.

When Ms. Aries was young, she probably said to herself, "I want to be a (fill in the noun: performer, politician, reporter... ) when I grow up." Even as an adult she holds fast to her dreams and ambitions. She will accomplish great things in this life, and she won't destroy other people to get to the top! She's a winner with a conscience.

Taurus (April 21-May 20)

Element: Earth
Mode: Fixed
Ruling Planet: Venus
Erogenous Zone: Neck
Best Traits: Patience, appreciation of earthly delights, unflappable
Worst Traits: Stubborn! Dense! Unwilling to change

In Life:
Taurus is the earthiest of all the earth signs. In astrology, earth represents the tangible: the things we can feel, see, smell, hear, taste, and touch. So while the other earth signs might be more interest in money and career success (Capricorn) and the pleasure of work for work's sake (Virgo), our Ms. Taurus is thoroughly and completely ruled by her senses. No small wonder, then, that so many Venus-ruled girls born under the sign of the Bull are artists of one form or another. The one thing all Tauruses have in common is a deep love of music. So I suggest you get to know her on that level before delving into any other areas. Peruse her record collection. See what tunes she picks out to play on the jukebox of your local dyke dive. Make her a tape so fierce she will feel as if you are making love to her. She's no-nonsense in her conversational style, but when she plugs in her headphones and starts to groove, she is the sweetest, most romantic woman in lesbo-ville.

The gay Taurus woman possesses a unique balance of common sense and keen intuition. Sometimes she is torn between the two and may jump to an extreme. Don't be fooled. She always needs to listen to both of those voices to be happy. Although she may follow her heart completely for a while, eventually her head will have to kick in. And if she follows the cold voice of logic for too long, she is sure to feel a bleak sense of emptiness. Understand that above all else, the Taurus woman needs to be comfortable. She is a creature of habit, so don't mess with her routine! But if you like your women artistic, solid, and sensitive, and your relationships long and steady, then you are definitely barking up the right tree.

She may take a while to get attached, but once she does, it is you who will have a hard time breaking free. You could get to used to good loving, good cooking, and a woman who comes to your emotional rescue every time you need her.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Element: Air
Mode: Mutable
Ruling Planet: Mercury
Erogenous Zone: Hands, arms
Best Traits: Her wit, her willingness to try anything once, her flirtatiousness
Worst Traits: Her short attention span, her superficiality, her flirtatiousness

In Life:
The Gemini lesbian is smart, sexy, and sphinxlike. As her symbol, the Twins, implies, she possesses a dual nature (and that's a conservative estimate.) Yet, somehow, it is impossible to know whether she is a deep woman full of substance and mystery, or a shallow flirt with a superficial knowledge of everything but no emotional understanding of anything. Confusing, isn't she? Naturally, that is part of her charm. She is an intensely curious person, with a deep and sincere thirst for knowledge. Most Gemini women are great readers and even better conversationalists. This chick is quick on the uptake and is comfortable in most any social or business situation. She knows how to think on her feet. Her problem may be that she thinks too much. Even she has trouble getting in touch with her emotions... so think how you will feel!

The Gemini woman is a fascinating person who takes a divinely light approach to life, but she is often guilty of skimming the surface so that she never really connects with anyone or anything. Luckily, Geminis are flexible and open to changing and growing. And she is always full of surprises.

Gemini women like to change careers as often as they change hairstyles. It's not her fault that she's so smart and easily bored that she must tackle new challenges at a rate of one big, bold one every four years. Geminis are excellent writers, politicians, teachers, and performers. Any profession that calls for a bit of the chameleon is a good one for her. She is also apt to be incredibly adept at learning new languages.

Geminis are prone to nervous habits such as chain-smoking or excessive coffee drinking. It's her jittery Mercury rules, and her famous oral fixation, that are to blame. She needs to talk about her feelings more and exercise more if she wants to calm those jumpy nerves of hers.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Element: Water
Mode: Cardinal
Ruling Planet: Moon
Erogenous Zone: Breasts
Best Traits: Her sensitivity, her nurturing nature, her compassion
Worst Traits: Clingy! Moody! Childish!

In Life:
The Cancer woman is intensely emotional. She goes through life following her heart and is supremely intuitive. Her sign is synonymous with "mother," and mama mia, she can be just as lovable and exasperating as the archetypal mom. She is nurturing to the extreme, but demands a lot of caretaking, too. The Cancer dyke is complex and mysterious, and just like her ruler, the moon, her moods change with the tides. What is comforting about her (and just like her Taurus sisters, this woman loves comfort and loves to give it) is that after a while you will find that her cycles are somewhat predictable. Not that you can ever completely figure her out. Would you dare to assume you could understand the sea or fully absorb or comprehend a beautiful piece of music? Of course not, you silly lesbian. So don't patronize this lovely woman. She inspires madonna/whore comparisons and may project the same tire (but still fascinating!) symbolism on you. She likes to put people on pedestals but sulks when they don't live up to the image she's created for them in her mind. Yet, for all her childishness, she is capable of feeling and understanding life and people with much more depth than most. It is her own self that she sometimes has trouble seeing clearly.

She is so home-driven that she sometimes forgets to focus on her career. When she's done raising her babies (or cats or dogs), she can slip into a work mode without breaking a sweat. You see, this woman tends to be so lovable that people can't help but want to work with her. She is gentle and unthreatening on the surface, but don't be fooled. She is a great leader and incredibly driven when she wants something.

Many Cancer dykes excel in the healing professions because they are so nurturing and so gentle when it comes to taking care of the physical body and the wounded psyche. Their intense emotions and great imaginations also make these women gifted artists. Unless she has used her business sense (which is pretty damn sharp) to make some real money first, she probably won't pursue the arts with 100 percent ardor. She likes to be in control. For her, financial security will probably come first, and then a thriving creative life.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Element: Fire
Mode: Fixed
Ruling Planet: Sun
Erogenous Zone: Back
Best Traits: Loyalty, leadership, dignity
Worst Traits: Big ego, swollen pride, oblivious

In Life:
Ms. Leo is hard to miss because she is such a grand dame. Her greatest gift is that winning personality of hers. So what becomes a legend most? Well, if she is an evolved Leo, she is driven to realize her dreams. Yes, her Achilles' heel is her need for attention (in vats, darling, in vats), but she can peruse a life in which she contributes something great to the world and as a by-product receives the accolades she so desires.

The Leo dyke is a great leader. You probably knew who she was in the community before you even met her. She likes to be in charge, so naturally she's a bit bossy. She acts as if her life is a movie and she's the star... it is and she is. Leo is the sign of drama with a capital D. And she won't be ignored. Most of these women need to perform in some way. She may not be an actress by profession, but you can bet she is comfortable onstage. She loves to make speeches and sway the crowds. She is also an old softy. Leo is the most sentimental of signs, and she has no qualms about breaking out into a chorus of "Always on My Mind" on a whim. She does not embarrass easily because she assumes we are all her adoring fans... and we are. Of course, she may embarrass you by blathering on ad nauseam in a loud, pompous tone while you're out in public. Once she's got the spotlight, she does not relinquish it easily.

Ms. Leo is such a good leader, you may find her working in politics or running an organization. People listen to her, and not just because she's bossy. She's trustworthy, too. Evolved Leo women possess a high degree of integrity. She's a nurturer, too, but her energy is far from maternal. At her best, she is more like a good father: inspiring her kids (lover, colleagues, family, friends, shopkeeps, etc.) to do their best and make her proud.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Element: Earth
Mode: Mutable
Ruling Planet: Mercury
Erogenous Zone: Belly
Best Traits: Hardworking, quick thinking, obsessive
Worst Traits: Nagging, unable to see the forest for the trees, obsessive!

In Life:
It doesn't matter whether she's Jewish or Moslem, Christian or atheist, Presbyterian or Lesbyterian... the only real goddess this groovy chick worships is work. These down-to-earth and gentle earth signs must feel useful. They aren't driven by dreams of power, status, and conventional successes like their Capricorn sisters. No. The Virgo dyke is motivated by her love of work for work's sake. Not that some of these women aren't lazy and scattered. That's why even these types need to burn off their nervous energy by alphabetizing their CDs (and yours) and obsessing about the price of soy milk in China. She'll surf the Net all day looking for states on whatever her pressing issue is, just to avoid doing work that would really satisfy her. But hopefully, your Virgo gal is of the highly evolved sort, who is doing her best to do work that is fulfilling and can find happiness in all the little things in life. Because, unlike the girls from the huge planet Leo, Virgos spend their lives reveling in the details.

Ms. Virgo loves words and details so much, she may work as an editor. She has a keen critical mind and can be truly helpful and constructive when working on someone else's material. She may want to work on her own creative projects, but has a hard time shutting her inner censor up.

Most Virgos benefit from meditation, yoga, or just plain intense athletic activities. It helps to calm their minds. And believe me, honey, their minds never rest, even when they are asleep. She may drive you crazy sometimes with her well-meaning criticisms, but try not to take it too personally. And please don't fire back at her with venom. She is so hard on herself she doesn't need you to pick on her.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Element: Air
Mode: Cardinal
Ruling Planet: Venus
Erogenous Zones: Buttocks, the small of her back
Best Traits: Her aesthetic sense, diplomacy, social grace
Worst Traits: Ability to argue both sides of anything, lying by omission, inability to be alone

In Life:
She's a charmer. And she uses her great allure to move through life. The Libra lesbian is intelligent, attractive, and quite the people pleaser. Is it any surprise then that she is rarely at a loss for a lover? Ms. Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of love, art, and beauty. No one has a better aesthetic sense than this woman. She can tell the difference between a real Matisse and a forgery just as easily as she can differentiate between a quality pair of leather pumps and a cheap imitation. If she is lucky and knows herself well, she is already working in a field or living a life where she is surrounded by art and beauty. She likes the good things in life and will probably find a way to make sure you give them to her. And you will be happy to, because you won't be able to stand seeing this woman settle for less than the best. So, clearly this woman has her decadent, pleasure-loving side.

But there's another side to her, too. As her symbol, the scales, indicates, she is an intense advocate for justice and has strong social convictions.

Although she can drive you made with her ability to argue either side of the coin, don't get too upset. She is just honing her chops. She knows what she believes in, and she always sways (in her heart) toward what is fair.

When it comes to her career, she may be a little bit on the lazy side. Libra women are generally not big go-getters. Their big breaks tend to come through personal connections more than hard work. And others do have a way of helping them reach their goals. Art and law are the fields of choice for these creative, idea-driven dykes.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Element: Water
Mode: Fixed
Ruling Planets: Pluto, Mars
Erogenous Zone: Genitals
Best Traits: Sharp wit, intense seeker of truth, lives by a strong moral code
Worst Traits: Suspicious, secretive, strong moral code that is incredibly selective and convenient

In Life:
She is prone to extremes. Most Scorpio dykes will walk into a Japanese restaurant and try the deadly but delicious blowfish, rather than settle for the plain old chicken teriyaki. She loves mysteries of all sorts and would prefer to lose a hand opening Pandora's box than live with not knowing what's inside. She is emotional and volatile and has many colorful moods. Although she is happy to hold court and tell outrageously risque and fascinating stories before an audience of enraptured hangers-on, she can also be a complete... er... witch to anyone who crosses her path when she desperately "vants to be alone." She lives her life on the edge, even if she is quiet about her feelings. She doesn't have to talk a lot, because when she walks into a room, any animal in the jungle can sense the intensity of her mood. Life with a Scorpio often means if she's happy, you're happy, because believe me, if she's unhappy, she is not going to suffer alone.

She is ruled by her passion and desire to know the truth at all costs. She is relentless, but can be surprisingly gentle, protective, and loyal if she loves you, trusts you, and feels safe with you. She is the archetypal great friend, and bitter enemy.

When it comes to her work life, she is usually quite ambitious and will generally stop at nothing to succeed. She does well as an "underdog"... fighting against all odds. Scorpios excel in any profession that involves understanding human motivation. If she's an actor or director, she will bring great depth to her craft. Even Scorpios who pursue traditional careers in law or medicine succeed because they are fascinated by what is in the hearts and minds of others. They make excellent psychologists. Their patients, however, may never know how intrigued by the occult they are.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Element: Fire
Mode: Mutable
Ruling Planet: Jupiter
Erogenous Zones: Hips, thighs
Best Traits: Funny! Able to laugh at herself and life, optimistic
Worst Traits: Self-righteous, takes the easy way out, brutally blunt

In Life:
She is fun, fun, fun. She's the last to leave the party, but you won't find her cleaning up the mess when it's all over. The Sagittarius dyke is good-hearted and has an infectious laugh that you will probably find quite addictive. But taking responsibility and following through are not her strong suits. The younger ones especially tend to take off when the going gets tough.

As the Sagittarius woman gets older, she will more than likely develop a strong philosophy, which helps her to find meaning in her life and in the universe. An evolved Sagittarius dyke like this has probably learned from her youthful mistakes and developed a wry and generous way of viewing herself and the world.

And she is definitely generous. Ms. Sagittarius is the first to offer you a futon to crash on when you and your roommate have had a major row. And she'll lend you money or whatever you need, no questions asked. On the other hand, she may nickel-and-dime you into the poorhouse, and this chick does like to have a good time. Drinks on the house for everyone (on your American Express card) and gourmet meals at the trendiest restaurants can add up.

Still, she always has more fans than detractors, because this woman truly has a great attitude: that life is for living, and love is always worth giving. It's a great theory, although even she will admit that she is just a heartbreaking heathen disguised as a lovey-dovey do-gooder.

And because she is so friendly and worldly in her rough and na•ve way, there is no one better to travel with. You won't want to leave home without her.

Sagittarian women are great athletes, too. They are probably the most physical women in the zodiac. They love the sporting life, although they are so accident-prone they are apt to break a bone for every goal they score.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Element: Earth
Mode: Cardinal
Ruling Planet: Saturn
Erogenous Zone: Knees
Best Traits: Her dry sense of humor, responsible, ambitious
Worst Traits: Opportunistic, stoic, prone to martyrdom

In Life:
She takes life seriously. You can be sure that the Capricorn dyke, being ruled by the restrictive, wise, and sober planet Saturn, is more likely to see the glass as half-empty rather than half-full, unless her chart is significantly lightened by lots of Sagittarius or Aquarius planets. And as an earth sign, she is especially concerned with the tangible things in life, namely sex and money. She has picked up some of the obsessions of the two other earth signs that precede her. Like her Taurus sisters, she needs mucho security and money to feel safe and happy, and like her Virgo sisters, she tends to put work above all else.

Yet this woman does have a dry and earthy sense of humor. Most of them are old souls who have a highly developed sense of irony, which stems from being born with all their world-wear wisdom. Most Capricorn women have to rely on themselves, not their good luck (which they usually have little of), so they can be a little tough. If she's tough on you, you must realize that she is probably ten times as rough on herself. Fortunately, the older they get, the easier life tends to get for most of these poker-faced gals. But she is not going to slide through her early years praying for a miracle. This woman is apt to work as hard as she can to reach her goals. And for her, second best is never good enough.

When it comes to her career, she is in it for the money and the prestige. She is apt to pick a field that gives her plenty of power. She wants to wield her puppet strings and control the masses. Luckily, she is a mogul we can trust. She is responsible, smart, and savvy. This woman knows how to turn a dollar into twenty and a twenty into a hundred. That's why people are willing to invest in her. She will get to the top one way or another.

Aquarius (January 21-February 18)

Element: Air
Mode: Fixed
Ruling Planet: Uranus
Erogenous Zones: Ankles, calves
Best Traits: Intellectually brilliant, idealistic, altruistic
Worst Traits: Oblivious to the obvious aspects of human nature, abrasive, a super-rationalizer

In Life:
Ms. Aquarius is a great thinker, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Therefore, if she seeks out intellectual challenges and finds them, she is on the right track. Aquarian women with too much time on their hands, or who are intellectually lazy, are quite dangerous to themselves and others. This is one righteous lady, but she needs to earn her righteousness.

She needs to understand the world around her and tends to be a deep thinker. Not deep in the water-sign way. She is not so much interested in the complex emotional motivations of human beings; she is more fascinated by the bizarre ways our psyches actually play out. She is less interested in why Jackie Kennedy stayed mum during hubby Jack's affairs and more interested in what she did to further the advancement of high culture for a generation of Americans. Analyzing Lady J's choices and how they affected society is more interesting to an Aquarian woman than replaying the former first lady's past. The past bores most Aquarians. They can barely stay awake for the present. It's the future that turns them on.

Hopefully, Ms. Aquarius has a job or a sideline that allows her to focus much of her brainpower into one direction. She is, after all, a fixed sign, and like other fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, and Scorpio), she is at her best when she puts all her energy in one direction.

Ms. Aquarius has many talents. She is a gifted scientific thinker and has a knack for using the latest technology to her advantage. As I've mentioned, Aquarius is the sign that is most closely associate with the future, therefore she is always one step ahead of the rest of us. She is also on the cutting edge of her own time. She is forever young because she is forever hip.

However, Aquarian women do have the irritating habit of having to be contrary for the sake of being contrary. If you are raving about some gangsta rapper whose CD you adore, you can expect Ms. Aquarius to jump in with some heavy judgments about how LL MC Doggy whoever is only encouraging violence among his own people and should stop making records altogether. A few months later you may hear her playing the same record for her own listening pleasure. When confronted, she'll go into a diatribe about how free speech should be protected, no matter how offensive the content of the speech may be.

Sound hypocritical? To a degree, it is. But Aquarians who can recognize their own hypocrisy and then force others to admit to their own are doing the world a great service. And that's what these chickies are here for... to change the world.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Element: Water
Mode: Mutable
Ruling Planet: Neptune
Erogenous Zone: Feet
Best Traits: Kind, giving, has an erotic response to everything
Worst Traits: Manipulative, vague, has no boundaries

In Life:
She is sexy and surreal. The Pisces gay woman is a deep person and an old soul. Ruled by the hazy planet Neptune, the planet of healing and illusion, little Ms. Pisces can go in many different directions. She has enough love and inspiration to make miracles happen, but she may end up just floating through life like the mutable (adaptable) water (emotional!) sign she is. This gal is so sensitive and so highly influenced by her environment that I can't help but think of her as supremely vulnerable, even though beneath her sad eyes and ridiculous chatter she is a bastion of strength for those she loves.

The difficulty for Ms. Pisces is this: How can she pursue her dreams and desires, which probably have to do with either art or healing, when there is so much suffering in the world? I am not saying that every Pisces woman is Mother Teresa (who was a Virgo, after all.) But I can tell you that the suffering of others affects her deeply. She may have someone in her family or amongst her circle of friends who is in pain and in need, and for this person she may put her own needs and goals on the back burner. This is a noticeable pattern for many Pisces dykes.

Of course, some Pisces dykes fall into a different Neptunian trap. Being born under the last sign of the zodiac, they are world-weary and well aware of the cruelty of Mother Nature and human nature. These chicks may do what water signs in general are prone to do (but more), which is fall into the bottle -- whether it's the Scotch bottle, the pill bottle, or some other anesthetizing substance. This is a trap and a predilection that all Pisces people should take a long, hard look at. It's sad to see a deep, beautiful, brilliant Pisces woman lose years of her life because her fears and sadness lead her to harm herself rather than to heal herself and others.

If she can stop reacting and start making active choices in her life -- whether it's to love someone worth loving (rather than someone abusive), to make great art or a great contribution to this world (rather than passively stay in one safe spot for too long), or to give up the booze if it's a problem -- rather than watch her life slip away, then she can reach a true place of happiness and fulfillment. She ain't heavy. She's just a Pisces.

 
Copyright © 1999 Jill Dearman.

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