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Notes for the Newly Single

From Girljock: The Book

 

Let's just say you have been in a relationship for a while, and suddenly you find yourself out there in the Brave New World of the newly single. Dating, which used to sound like fun, can up-close turn into a nightmare, because when you get out of a longish relationship, you may have lost your timing for dates.

We have discovered, in a recent informal poll, that being out of practice dating is just as serious as being out of practice in a sport and then diving head-first into a sudden major competition. The ensuing result: possible major pain, lactic acid buildups, aches, bruises, and possible sore throats from yelling too much, and most likely -- not winning. So, hey -- if you aren't ready yet, there's no shame in staying on the sidelines.

As the chief Girljock editrix's mother has long said, "All's fair in love and war." Losing one's timing can cause great problems, and your friends quickly tire of listening to verbatim scenarios, "And then she said...and then I said...can you believe that?"

It is also very easy after a long relationship breaks up to jump at the first possible involvement with someone, and while this can be fun sometimes, we have found that a little caution goes a long way. Just like diving into those lovely natural lakes that form in stone quarries; while the water is beautiful, it can be very dangerous -- not to forget cold, and it is better to look before you leap. Getting the person you are dating to talk about themselves is a good thing, as long as they know when to stop. If they don't stop talking about themselves, you don't have to go out with them again.

We've been collecting these notes here, to aid the newly single in their dating ventures. After all, dating really is just like window shopping, isn't it? Or, better yet, dating is like driving around looking for a parking space, and you don't want to take one where you'll get a ticket unless you are very, very desperate.

Warning Signals

  • Do you find you have a better time hanging out with people other than the person you are dating?

  • Do you have to ask your friends for advice all the time about what to do about her?

  • Do you screen your calls so you don't have to talk to her?

  • Have you asked your friends how they would break up with her if they were you and then you don't follow their advice for various reasons?

  • Does the person you are dating bother you when you are not around them?

  • Does she not laugh at your jokes anymore, or did she ever laugh at your jokes?

  • Has she stopped coming to watch your games, or has she refused to watch them entirely?

  • If the person had repeated horrible awful breakups with every person they ever dated, get the check.

Here's a close-up of Who-Not-To-Date
  • Don't date women who "are confused and can't commit."

  • Don't date women who break your athletic equipment intentionally.

  • Don't date women who casually tell you about their multiple DUIs (Driving Under the Influence) while on a blind date.

  • Don't date anyone who "needs time to get his/her head together." (Especially if they have to do so by spending time away from you.)

  • Don't date anyone who, when talking about the future, doesn't include you or the possibility of your being together. If they don't include you, it just means they've already decided you aren't going to be together for very long, and they are just using you to have a good time (unless, of course, you are only out for a good time, in which case, don't even read this.)

  • Don't date an athlete better than yourself, unless you want to get into better shape with her.

  • If other people are hitting on your companion...well...don't date anyone who doesn't immediately blow off those people hitting on her.

  • Don't' date anyone who makes a pass at someone else in front of you (unless it is in a game).

  • Don't' date anyone who accidentally gives you Ex-Lax the night before a big game.

  • Don't date women who really want to go out with your surfboard, or your skis, or your Jeep, if you know what we mean.

  • Watch out for the moving truck!

This article was compiled by Roxxie following comments made by various members of the Girljock staff, especially Mo Phalon and Stacey Foss. The "Don't" list in particular was courtesy of one of the Girljock staff's brothers, who, at this point in time, has spent sixteen years listening to some of the many and various horror stories of modern dating which may have happened to assorted members of Girljock's staff and their friends.

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